Week Six: Maneater

I wouldn’t if I were you
I know what she can do
She’s deadly man
And she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
Ooh, the beauty is there
But a beast is in the heart – Hall and Oates

Caroline

I can’t believe that bastard. There is no low he will stoop to just so he can get laid. He finds me in a rare down mood, plies me with drinks, and the next thing I know, I have three babies.

I know a mother shouldn’t have favorites… wait, why can’t a mother have favorites? I was my dad’s favorite, that’s why I don’t have to deal with Cheryl. He barely had enough to leave to Jack and me, if my sister was in the picture it would be a bigger mess. I wonder whatever happened to her? Anyway, my favorite is Rachel. I think she’s the spitting image of what I looked like as a toddler. Just adorable. If I knew my kids were going to be this cute, I doubt I would have adopted Alison.

I love Cynthia too, but she doesn’t need me as much as Rachel does. She mostly keeps to herself.

I can’t stand Mia. She looks just like her father. I guess she can’t help that, but still, I just let Jack take care of her.

We finally got a maid, but I can’t stand the fucker. He keeps coming over even when he’s not working.

“Hey, how about you do your damn job for once?”

“It’s not my day.”

“Then why the fuck are you here? Go home.”

“Jack invited me, so why don’t you make me?”

“If you insist…”

The maid stayed.

Between raising three kids practically by myself, and getting beaten up by a man who cleans houses for a living, I felt it was time for some “me time.” I took all of Jack’s tips for the week and treated myself to the most expensive package at the spa.

When I got home, I started teaching Rachel to walk. She stumbled a few times but she looked like she was getting the hang of it.

We took  a snack break, and then Jack walked into the nursery.

“Caroline, can we talk?”

I left the room and went downstairs. Looks like learning to walk will have to wait for another day.

“Caroline, could you stop your silent treatment long enough to tell me what happened to my beer?”

“I threw it out.”

“Why?”

“Because I can.”

Things were going well at work. My cooking was getting rave reviews.

“You got to try this place, Caroline Hatfield cooks here.”

Not everyone was a fan of mine, though.

The job was wearing me out though. I couldn’t take any more of it, and cooking was getting rather boring anyway. I was bound for bigger things.

After telling my boss to fuck off, I headed over to Hidden Springs’ new movie lot. Now that the motion pictures were in town, I was going to be a star!

If I was going to be a sexy actress, I was going to need my beauty sleep. Since Jackass overreacted to Thalia spending the night in the garage that one time, I figured it was best if I slept in the garage myself.

I invited my news boss, Serena McGregor, out to dinner at my old work place.

“I hope someday to be as beautiful and famous as you, Serena.”

“You smell like car exhaust, Caroline.”

“Yeah, I sleep in the garage to avoid my screaming kids.”

“You should do what I do, send them to Europe.”

“I know I just started working here, but can I have a promotion?”

“Well, it’s not really my call, but I think I can pull some favors for you.”

Good. I’d hate to have to resort to violence with this girl.

Serena was true to her word and the next time I went to work I was a “Best Girl.” Whatever that is.

It was pretty late when I got home that night, and I could hear one of my kids crying. I figured Jackass could take care of it, so I headed to the garage to bed.

I got up the next morning bright and early and headed to the lot. The rest of the house was still sleeping.

I spent most of my time at the movie studio, working my way up from Best Girl to Key Grip. I would tell you what a Key Grip was if I understood it. I just do what they tell me to do, I have no idea what it has to do with the final product. While I was doing this, who the fuck knows what Jackass was up to.

Knowing Jack, I bet he was spending all his time with all those girls of his.

Yeah, who knows what kind of women he’s hanging out with.

The months at my new job just flew by, and before I knew it, it was Alison’s 18th birthday. I bought an expensive spread and invited everyone I knew. I hope I had enough food.

“Glad you made it to the party, Blake. And dressed appropriately too! Some fucking moron showed up in leather pirate boots or some weird shit.”

“He’s standing right there, Caroline…”

“I know! You’re a fucking moron, Pirate Boy!”

“I can’t believe you just said that to him!”

“I’m a star now, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I bet he still worships the ground I walk on.”

I headed to the stage and picked up the bass. I’d never played before but it can’t be too hard.

I must have been really good, because immediately Serena and Clio stopped playing just to watch me play.

My playing was so good, when it was time for Alison to blow out her candles, the crowd would rather watch me instead.

I figured though since it was Alison’s party after all, I should stop and let her be the star for just one brief moment.

I guess Alison turned out OK. For an adopted kid, anyway.

After the party ended, Alison decided it was time for her to find a place of her own. I’d miss her if the house wasn’t so full of damn kids as it is.

Oh, I almost forgot. Before Alison turned 18, Jeremiah became a teenager. But we’re not Jews or anything so I didn’t make a big deal of it.

I guess he turned out OK despite being Jackass’s spawn. At least he won’t be screaming and crying any more.

I got handpicked by the studio to direct a campaign commercial for the mayor’s office. I put on my best outfit hoping that I could get noticed for something better than directing local ads.

The video was a pain in the ass to shoot, and the worst thing of all was the mayor couldn’t even be bothered to serve food. What a fucking ass. I’ll make him pay some day.

I decided I better get myself an agent so I could start getting roles in films instead of just running errands all the time. She let me know if I wanted to make it I better get in good with Simon Cho. I went to Cho’s house and was shocked to find he was, well, OLD.

“Oh, Simon, you’re so sweet. And pretty handsome for an old fart.”

“Thanks for showing me your house, it’s very nice.”

“We’ll end the tour in my favorite room… the bedroom!”

Oh, Jesus, I hope his dick doesn’t smell as bad as the rest of him.

“You know, if you just want to cuddle, that’s OK, I understand how hard it is for you old folks to perform.”

“Not since I discovered Viagra! LET’S KNOCK THOSE BOOTS!”

Shit.

“Honey, that was the best sex I had since last week with those three crack whores who live under the bridge leading into downtown.”

“Wait, what? DO I NEED TO BE TESTED?”

“Probably!”

After the worst sex in my life (not counting Jackass of course) I fell into a deep sleep, it was almost 4 AM and I had to work in the morning.

“YOU GO NOW!”

I didn’t get to sleep very long.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going,” I said as I strutted out their door. OK, so maybe the sex wasn’t that bad.

The next day at work I was dead tired. When I got home I couldn’t even make it to the garage. I collapsed out of exhaustion right on the front porch. I hope Jack didn’t do anything to me.

Where’s all the time going? It seems like all I was doing these days was birthday parties. But here we go again with more cake for the triplets. It’s a wonder I can keep my figure with all this cake. I guess the vomiting helps. First up was Rachel.

See, I told you. Spitting image. I will have to beat the boys off with a stick if I don’t want grandchildren before I’m ready. Which will be never.

Next was Cynthia. I can’t believe Jackass came to his daughters’ party practically naked. I guess they’ll have to get their morals from me.

Ain’t she a cutie? Though she better lay off the cake if she doesn’t want to grow up looking like Alison.

Finally, that other one.

Meh.

“Nice party, Caroline. Now that the kids have gone to bed, how about we have a few drinks to celebrate?”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you. Why not just slip a few roofies in my drink while you’re at it, Ted Bundy?”

The next morning I discovered Cynthia and Mia had skipped school together.

“Young lady, that does it, you are grounded. You go sit and think about what you did while I take Cynthia to school.”

“Why doesn’t Cynthia get in trouble?”

“Because I know it was your idea! I swear, you are just like your father!”

Dear readers: I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last updated. Three kids keeps a mom really busy! Jackass is hardly a help at all with them. I have to do all the work myself. In other news, guess who got a shiny new computer. That’s right, me! I feel Mommy deserves it!

Before I could finish updating my blog I was startled by a hideous image.

“JACKASS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER?”

I don’t really know why we hired that maid. One time when I was heading to work I saw him toss the garbage right on the ground so he could stop and chat up Jackass. I swear, he spends so much time blabbing with Jack I think he wants to fuck him.

My agent told me if I was seen working out it would show my dedication to keeping in good shape for film roles, so I headed to the gym. My agent told me I needed to put in four whole hours. Jesus Christ. That’s like a full day of work. I put in three and figured that was enough for today. The gym seemed like a nice place to hang out though so I made a call to my new boss.

Jesse Pena showed up and met me outside.

“So, Jesse, you must come here a lot ’cause you sure have a sexy bod!”

Yep, another promotion here I come… but I guess I better make sure.

After I fucked his brains out in the men’s room shower, I figured I had made production manager for certain.

“OK, now let’s get down to business. Do I have the job or what?”

“Wait, so that’s what this was about?”

“What, you think I fuck four eyed geeks on a regular basis?”

Like all men, he didn’t really care WHY he got laid. I got the promotion I wanted. I really need to stop sleeping my way to the top, I’m starting to feel like Jack.

After Jesse left, I got back to work. It’s such a chore trying to stay in shape, so maybe acting just isn’t for me.

After the gym, my agent told me another celebrity I had to befriend. I can’t remember his fucking name though. I was bitching to him about how hard my job was, when I remembered that cheap-ass mayor who couldn’t even set up a spread for the crew of his campaign ad. That’s when it came to me.

I was going to run for public office, and show that mayor how it’s really done.