Week Fourteen: A Pain That I’m Used To

All this running around, well it’s getting me down
Just give me a pain that I’m used to
I don’t need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true — Depeche Mode

Rachel

Death had come again. It seems the last few years He’d become a regular guest at our household, whether he was welcome or not. I remember Mia had told me she had actually seen the bastard when He came for our parents. I always wondered if it was the vampirism, or if it was because she didn’t have much time left herself.

This time Death had come for Jarvis, and the entire household was devastated. Even Bowen, who doesn’t even seem to know who anyone is these days, was emotionally torn apart by the news. For me, as much I loved Jarvis, his death was just a painful reminder of losing Mia, which was still a fresh wound.

I could hardly believe Mia had been gone for so long. Her little boy Joshua was growing up so fast. I’m glad Mia left us something to remember her by, but part of me was scared of getting attached to the child. What if something happened to him too?

Death haunted my every thought. Even when I slept, I tossed and turned throughout the night, dreaming of the Reaper coming for each of my loved ones, until I was all alone. Sometimes in my dreams I was able to convince Him to take me instead. I’d wake up at that point, but strangely, those were the times I wasn’t glad that the dreams weren’t real. Did I want to die?

“Did you sleep well, hon?” Wiggles asked me. I felt bad for worrying her so much. She was upset about all the deaths too, but I don’t think it had really sunk in for her. She’s so naive and childlike sometimes. I guess part of her will always be that child’s doll I fell in love with. I hope she never changes.

To keep my mind off of the mortality of my loved ones, I began developing my electrical skills. It seems like our kitchen always had at least one broken appliance, so I might as well make myself useful.

After fixing the trash compactor, I moved on to the dishwasher. As I was fiddling around with the wires, I felt a jolt go up my arm. I hadn’t even bothered to cut off the power to the thing first. Was I trying to get myself killed? Maybe I was…

I just couldn’t concentrate on anything any more. I was cooking macaroni and cheese one day when I got distracted.

For no reason at all, the sink practically exploded. I screamed at it in frustration. “You fucking piece of shit! You think I’m going to fix you? Forget it. You can stay broken for all I care.” I think I’m losing my mind. I broke down in tears and collapsed on the floor. Then I remembered the mac and cheese. It had been cooking forever, I was lucky the house didn’t burn down. I guess our stove was fireproof or something.

“Sorry I pretty much destroyed dinner, Wigs.”

“Oh, it’s OK, Rach. I’ll just pretend it’s Smoked Mac and Cheese. Just add some hot sauce and you can call it chipotle! It’s like a whole new dish we’ve never had before!”

I love her.

It was a few days later when I found myself in a puddle of water repairing the dishwasher. Once again, it wasn’t unplugged. I was definitely suicidal. Luckily, nothing happened.

I grabbed a hammer from my toolbox and just started beating on the range. “You wanna die Rach? What’s wrong with you?” I scolded myself. “Get it out of your system already!”

I knew I just wanted to die before Wiggles or the kids did just so I wouldn’t have to go through this pain ever again. But how selfish is that? I carried Joshua to his crib to put him to bed. His mother was gone. Nathan tried his best for the kid, but Joshua needed me too. And Sheldon, what kind of mother would I be if I left him on purpose?

Maybe instead of just letting Death rule my life, I could do something about it. “Oh, Jarvis, I made my best friend real, maybe I can make you real again too.”

I don’t remember where I got it from, but I had some ectoplasm in my lab. Maybe, just maybe, if I experimented enough with the stuff that ghosts are made of, I could find a way to bring one back to the land of the living.

Well, fucking shit. This wasn’t what I had in mind at all.

And to make matters worse, I forgot that Jarvis’s funeral was in just a few hours. Shit.

“Thank you for coming, Thalia, it’s been too long since I’ve seen you.”

“I missed you too, Rachel, but… don’t you think your costume is a bit… inappropriate?”

“It’s a long story.”

Luckily, the potion wore off before the funeral ended, and I was able to send my stepfather off in style.

I was starting to feel a bit better, and with the funeral out of the way, I found it easier to get back to focusing on my career. I was behind in my medical journal, so I used the rest of my bereavement leave as a chance to catch up.

I took a break from my reading to go get a drink. To my surprise, Nathan had set up his drum kit in the kitchen.

“What on Earth are you doing?”

“The tiles give me the most awesome acoustics, man.”

“Um, OK then.”

When I returned to work, Dr. Toast wanted to see me. “I need you to do some investigating for me.”

“Do you want me to break into a patient’s house?”

“God, no. You have to stop watching those stupid television shows. No, we’ve had some delay in supplies, go to city hall and find out why.”

I headed down to city hall and found out that Luz Song-Jamison had the information I needed, so I hunted her down.

“Thanks for the information, Luz. And I just want to add I really like your hat.”

“Oh, thank you. But don’t worry, it’s not made out of real panda.”

I had a few moments to spare before I went back to work, so we began playing tag in the street. I bet it’s not every day you see a lady in a panda hat playing tag with a doctor. But life’s too short to worry about what people think of you.

As I headed back to the hospital, I was excited to see an ice cream truck in the parking lot. “I’ll have a bunnysicle please!”

So delicious. And it comes with a free tongue depressor!

Remember how years ago I signed up for the chess club, and I couldn’t get that lady to come to my house to play me? Well, I finally decided I would go to her house and find her, and convince her to play me. There was no one home when I got there, so I spent the afternoon playing with their telescope while I waited.

Finally, Emily Chesterfield’s daughter arrived. “My mom will be home in a few hours. You can wait inside if you want.”

I came in the house and saw their TV was on the fritz. “It’s been like that for days, I keep meaning to call the repairman.” Scott apologized.

“Don’t worry about it, I got this.” I pulled out my screwdriver and went to work.

Finally, Emily got home. “Your grandson is so adorable!” I exclaimed.

“Thanks, I was just about to put him to bed.”

“Yeah, it is getting pretty late, I should probably go…”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, dear, you waited all day for me the least I could do is get to know you a bit before you go.”

Oddly enough, Emily didn’t even own a chess board… so we wound up finding some other way to occupy the rest of the evening.

“Oh, wow, Rachel, I haven’t had so much fun in years! Please call again soon!”

I was so glad that I was finally making some friends that I decided to invite them all over for a birthday party for Joshua and Nathan. Turtle seemed to be more excited than any of us, but I think he was just hoping someone would slip him some cake.

“OK, Holly, it’s time to blow out your candles!” Bowen said as he carried Joshua over to the cake.

“I’m JOSHUA!” Joshua giggled at the old man.

“Oh, right, right. Where’s Holly?”

“She grew up and moved out, Dad,” I reminded him.

“Oh, Dr. Toast, so glad you could come.”

“Any time, Rachel. Joshua looks like a sweet kid, but he’s so pale! Is he OK?”

“He’s fine, it’s not like he has lupus or anything.”

“It’s never lupus!” Dr. Toast reminded me and chuckled.

“So, Dr. Toast, I’ve been working really hard lately, and I saw you had an opening on your infectious disease research team…”

“This was a really nice party, Rachel. I will see you at work! Bye!”

“Bye,” I sighed. I guess she didn’t even hear me ask for the promotion. Sometimes I feel like such a total loser.

“Thanks for the cake, Rachel! You’re the best!” I turned back to Nathan. I almost forgot it was a double party.

“Anything for my brother!” Although I had lost Mia, I had gained a brother and a nephew. Sometimes life has a way of making things suck less, I guess. I was glad that the party was such a success, I guess I can get the promotion another day. It was a bit selfish of me to be thinking of my job on Nathan and Joshua’s day in the first place.

I was cleaning up the dishes, when my phone rang. “We need you to come in Rachel, sorry. We had a few doctors call in sick, and we can’t find Dr. Toast.”

“I’ll be right in,”I promised, and headed out the door. Apparently Dr. Toast had got distracted on her way home and was playing her keyboard in my driveway. She had been rather senile lately, and I think the hospital would rather she retired. I doubt Dr. Toast will go quietly.

“Thanks for your help, Rachel. For your efforts, the hospital has decided to give you that job on the infectious disease team.” I couldn’t believe it! I got the promotion after all! My happiness was short lived though, because a few days after I got the promotion, I came into work and saw several of the doctors and nurses crying. It seems Dr. Toast had died peacefully in her sleep that night. I just can’t escape Death. But I wasn’t going to let Him send me back into my funk. Instead, I decided to just remember all the things I learned from Dr. Toast, and how much she helped me in my career.

I had been so busy at work I had entirely forgotten Emily Chesterfield and the chess club! I gave her a call hoping that this time she would finally agree to come over. “I’ll be right over! I could really use a good game.”

Sure enough, Emily came right over. She even brought her husband and grandson. “Now Scott, I’ll just be playing chess with Rachel. I’m sure Bowen will be able to help you with the kid.”

“You brought a kid? I love kids! Come see our dollhouse!” Bowen happily exclaimed and led the boys inside.

“You have a lovely home, Rachel. Has it been in the family long?”

“Oh, there’s a funny story about the house…” I explained the whole story about Jack and Caroline’s fight over the house as we played our game. Emily won the first one, but I beat her the second game, allowing me to finally move up the chess club ladder.

After Emily left, I called the next person on the list, Rosemary Chesterfield. “Sure. I’ll be right over,” she told me. Just as I hung the phone up, it rang. “I’m sorry, Rachel, something came up and I can’t come over after all.” I sighed, here we go again.

I went downstairs, trying to ignore the wave of depression coming over me. Why do I have a hard time making friends? Was Rosemary lying because she didn’t want to spend time with me? I turned on the stereo and began my work out, trying to keep my brain from obsessing over such negative thoughts.

Not long after that I got a call from Emily’s daughter. “My mother passed on, I thought you should know.” I can’t believe this, I had just made friends with her. When will Death leave me alone?

If that wasn’t reminder enough of mortality, my baby had his 16th birthday. Time was flying by way too fast, if only I could slow it down.

I do admit though that Sheldon turned out well. He’s going to be beating the ladies off with a stick!

“Sheldon, now that you’re almost a man, I guess it’s time that you learn how to drive.”

“That’s awesome Mom! I’ve been waiting for this for ages!”

“No, sweetie, you only use your right foot to brake and gas. The left foot is for the clutch only. Now be sure to adjust your mirrors before you pull out…”

Oh, crud, I had totally forgoten it was Wiggles’ birthday. I’d probably forget my own birthday, I’m so absent minded.

As I was cursing myself for forgetting my wife’s birthday, Sheldon pulled the car over and got out. “I have a surprise for you,”he said.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!”

Like I said, I’d probably forget my own birthday.

Week Thirteen: I Will Not Bow

Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again
But I’m not giving in — Breaking Benjamin

Mia

Time has blurred together and I couldn’t tell you if it had been a day, a year, or even ten years since I became a vampire.  My days and nights were spent with Derek.  He taught me so much about my new abilities.  I should have felt powerful but I mostly felt trapped.  In the beginning when I was a little more wild and couldn’t control my emotions I craved Derek’s attention.  I was content to let Nathan slip out of my life and I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t miss him.

Eventually I began to feel like myself again.  The overwhelming emotions and hungers subsided enough for me to control them and I found myself falling into a depression.  How had I let this happen to me?  What had I done to Nathan?  I began to see that Derek used his affection and my emotions to keep me tethered to his side.  I know now that he doesn’t love me but I also know that he would never let me go.  For the first time in a long time that bothered me.

Losing my dog, Ranger, was just another failure to add to the list.  Ranger had been the only thing in my life that was truly mine, it hurt so much to think about the day they came to take him away from me.  I wanted to be mad at Rachel for that but if I was being honest with myself I knew I was to blame.  I shudder to think what I would have done even a few weeks earlier though when I didn’t have my emotions under control.  Would I have hurt my sister because of a dog?

“You miss him, don’t you?”

“Ranger isn’t the only one I miss.”

Nathan raised his eyebrow at that and looked like he might be ready to brush me off but something in my face must have tipped him off that I was being serious.  I felt like crying and I knew I deserved everything that had happened to me.

“Hey now, don’t cry.  I’m still here and I still love you.  I knew you would come back to me someday, the madness doesn’t last forever.”

 

He leaned in to kiss me and I didn’t stop him.  I knew Derek was wandering around downstairs but I didn’t care.  At that moment I needed Nathan’s arms around me more than I’ve ever needed anything in my entire life.

Things quickly got out of control and we ended up making love right there in Derek’s bed.  I can’t bring myself to be sorry for that no matter what happens now.  The peace I found back in Nathan’s arms was worth it.  Whatever this night costs me, I’ll pay it.

Of course it didn’t take long for Derek to burst through the door, a murderous expression on his face.

I’ve never seen Derek so mad.  I couldn’t even understand half the things he was saying, he was screaming incoherently.

He finally calmed down enough that I could understand what he was saying.

“If you ever betray me like that again I’ll kill Nathan.  Don’t think I won’t just because he’s my human servant, I won’t tolerate this shit.  Don’t fuck with me, bitch, this is your only warning.”

“Put some clothes on you whore, and go home.  I don’t want to look at your face anymore today.”  With that he stalked out of the room.

I couldn’t move.  I just stood there shaking and sobbing.  Nathan grabbed my face in his hands and stared right into my eyes.

“We can leave, we can try to run away from here.  Come with me.”

The thought terrified me.  Nathan didn’t understand how powerful vampires were.  I was a brand new vampire and I could easily track him down if he tried to run, there was NO way we could ever get away from someone as powerful as Derek.  I couldn’t put Nathan in that kind of danger.  I just shook my head and ran out of the house.

When I got home I nearly tripped over Wiggles.

“Watch where you’re fucking going,” I snapped at her as I ran up to my room.  She must think I’m a lunatic.  Then again I suppose most of my family thinks I’m crazy at this point.  I never explained any of this to them and I was hardly ever home anymore.  Surely they noticed the change in me?  Did they even care?

Later that night I heard a commotion down the hall, it seems that Sheldon was having a birthday and everyone was cheering him on.  Nobody even bothered to ask me if I wanted to join in.  I guess it’s my fault for distancing myself from them so much lately, they probably didn’t even realize I was home.

It was just getting dark and I was getting ready to head out and hunt when I sensed something sinister in the dining room.  I ran as fast as I could and was horrified to see my father slumped over at the dinner table dead.

My whole life my father was the only person who even tried to understand me.  My bitch of a mother always treated me like shit and my sisters mostly kept to themselves, but my father was always there for me.  I wailed in agony when I saw his body.

Then the most peculiar thing happened.  I saw Death.  Nobody else seemed to be able to see him, maybe it was because I was a vampire?

Whatever the reason, I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by.  I was going to save my father somehow and I was willing to threaten Death himself to do it.  Unfortunately he didn’t respond well to the threats, even when I threatened to bite the shit out of him.

I grabbed him by his bony wrist and sank my fangs in as deep as they would go.  I wasn’t sure there would even be anything to suck out of Death but I didn’t care, I wanted to hurt him.  I drank the substance that came out for a minute before I realized that it was definitely not blood.  Not only was it not blood but it tasted so foul it was making me sick, I was sure I would die if I kept drinking.  That’s when I noticed Wiggles passed out on the floor beside me.  Shit, what had she seen?  While I was looking down at Wiggles and trying my hardest not to vomit, Death let out a low cackle and faded from sight.

My daddy was gone.  I felt so nauseous and light-headed.  I had to get that substance out of me.  I ran to the bathroom and was violently ill.  I think I got most of it out but I still felt a little funny.  I knew I was taking a huge risk but I decided to run over to Nathan’s house.  I needed someone to comfort me.

Luckily Derek was out hunting, something I should have been doing myself.  Nathan held me and rubbed my back while I sobbed all over him.  When I finally got myself under control a few hours later I was nearly out of my mind with hunger.  I needed to go out and feed before the sun came up but I was so reluctant to leave Nathan.  He offered to let me feed from him but I didn’t want to do that to him.

I was just getting home from my nightly hunt when I noticed the strangest thing in my front yard.  A puppy!  I hesitantly went over and inspected the tiny thing.  He looked a lot like Ranger and my heart caught in my throat for a moment.  I noticed a note attached to his little collar.

“Mia- Killer and Princess had another litter of puppies and I thought you might like one of them.  His name is Turtle.  I hope he helps cheer you up.  Love always, Nathan”

Nathan gave me another puppy, I couldn’t believe it.  The rescue shelter would have a fit if they found out, they told me I wasn’t allowed to adopt animals anymore after last time.

I spent the next few weeks with Turtle, training him not to pee in the house or chew the furniture.  I kept getting sick regularly and I eventually realized that it wasn’t any kind of poison from Death, I was pregnant.  The thought terrified me.  I had no idea who the father of my baby was and either way I was so screwed.  Either it was Derek’s baby and would probably be the most evil little shit on the planet or it was Nathan’s baby and Derek would kill it for sure.

I couldn’t do this alone anymore, there was just too much at stake.  I ran to find my sister, she was so smart she would know what to do.  I finally found her stretched out on  Dad’s bed reading a novel.  She saw me crying and quickly threw her book down and hopped off the bed.

I fell into her arms and between sobs I managed to get the whole story out.  She was shocked but I could tell that she believed me.  She promised that she would try to protect me as much as humanly possible.  She told me it was probably best if I didn’t go to the hospital, being a vampire and all, and she told me she would oversee all my prenatal care at home.  I loved my sister so much in that moment.  We had never been super close but here she was willing to put her life on the line for me and my child.

She did tell me it was probably not a good idea to tell Wiggles I was a vampire.  Wiggles is the biggest coward in the whole world and she would likely faint at the mention of the word vampire.

I spent the next month inside as much as possible.  I was getting really sick of the taste of plasma fruit, I had never liked the things, but I couldn’t venture outside to hunt.  I was too afraid I would see Derek.  He called my cell a few times but I never picked up the phone.  I knew it was only a matter of time before he came over and broke down the door demanding to know where I had been.  I was terrified.

The day finally came.  Derek was out front screaming at Rachel and demanding to be let in.  She calmly told him I didn’t wish to have any visitors at the moment and asked him to leave.  I couldn’t believe her!  Derek looked like he might break down the door and drag me out by my ankles but he could see that a crowd of people was beginning to form and he seemed to think better of it.  I heard him promise Rachel that he would be back before he turned and ran off.  I sank to the floor and let out the breath I was holding, I was safe for another day.

Later that night I heard the gate opening and I ran to the window in terror.  Sighing with relief I realized it was Nathan.  I rushed out to greet him.  His eyes rounded when he caught sight of my belly and he just stared at me in shock.  He seemed to immediately realize the predicament I was in and he paled.

“He’s going to kill you if he finds out.”

I just nodded as my eyes brimmed over with tears.  He pulled me into his arms and stroked my back.

Just then a noise by the garage caught all of our attention.  I sensed Death again and froze in place.  This time he was here to take my mother.  I was surprised to find the same grief washing over me as I had felt for my father.  I never got along with my mother, she had made my life a living hell whenever possible, and yet I was sad she was dead.  In that moment it felt like my whole life was falling apart.  How long could I live in this perpetual state of grief and terror?  Something had to give soon.

Nathan moved in after that night.  He refused to leave me alone in my condition and I was grateful to have him around.  He insisted that I feed from him to keep my strength up.  He was convinced that the baby was his even though I told him I wasn’t sure.  He vowed to protect us both with his life if he had to.  I just hoped it wouldn’t come down to that.

I knew Derek must know what was going on by now, I could feel him in my mind.  I wasn’t sure why he hadn’t come to kill me or Nathan yet.  A small, terrified part of my mind worried that he wanted the baby and was just waiting.

A few months later I was painting when I felt the first contraction.  I was in a panic, it hadn’t even been close to nine months yet!  Something was either very wrong or maybe vampires didn’t stay pregnant for nine months, I wasn’t sure which.  Rachel had coached me for this though and I tried my hardest not to panic.  I knew I couldn’t go to the hospital so I cleared my mind and started my breathing exercises while Nathan ran to get Rachel.

Less than an hour later I held my little boy in my arms for the first time.  Nathan and I had decided that if it was a girl I would pick the name and if it was a boy he would get to choose.  He named our son Joshua.

We got Joshua to sleep and the stress of the day finally caught up with me and I collapsed into Nathan’s arms.

“He’s going to come for Joshua, I just know it.”  I whispered.  I’ve always been able to feel Derek in my mind ever since I was turned.  He told me it was because he was my creator.  Whatever it was I could feel him now, I could feel his glee and anticipation.  He had been strangely quiet for months but now it was impossible not to feel him.  He was coming for my baby.

I knew without a doubt in that moment that I was going to do all I could to protect my family.  I knew it would mean my death but I would die a thousand times if it meant I could protect those I loved.  suddenly calm for the first time in months I got down on my knee and asked Nathan to marry me.  He was shocked but quickly agreed.  I wouldn’t tell him what I planned to do, I didn’t want to worry him, but I would marry him before I met my death.  I was done letting Derek dictate my life.

We had a private ceremony right there in the nursery with just Rachel, Wiggles, and our child as witnesses.  And he was our child, I was as sure of it as I was of anything.  Nothing that sweet could have ever come from someone as vile as Derek.

After Nathan went to bed that morning (he sleeps during the day like me) I called Derek.

“I will have my child, bitch,” he growled into the phone.

“He’s not yours and you will never get a chance to lay a finger on him.”

“We’ll see about that. . .”  He hung up the phone and I knew he was on his way.  It was time to end this once and for all.

I ran outside and headed him off before he could get inside.

“Don’t even think about it” I hissed at him.

He just smirked at me and I could see the fires blazing in his eyes.  He meant to kill me, I didn’t know if I was strong enough to stop him but I couldn’t let him get to Joshua.

He tackled me to the ground and I fought him off with every ounce of strength I had.  I kicked and punched and bit him like a madwoman  I could tell that I was hurting him pretty badly and for a brief moment I wondered if I might actually win this fight.

That’s when I heard Nathan scream my name.  I lost my concentration for a split second and it was over.

My last conscious thought was of my child.  Please dear creator don’t let him take my child.

When Rachel got home from work that night I had to tell her that her sister was dead.  My wife was dead.  I couldn’t believe this was happening, I promised to protect her.

Would my son ever forgive me for not taking better care of his mother?

Would he even remember his mother?  Years slipped by and I hardly even noticed.  If it wasn’t for my son I would have no reason to even go on.

Joshua had his mother’s eyes and it nearly broke my heart to look at him.  His hair was all mine though and it made me smile, I had always known he was my child.  Now I will spend the rest of my life making sure nothing ever hurts him.  I will not fail him like I failed his mother.

Week Twelve: Lovesong

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again — The Cure

Rachel

Work was going OK, I guess. I got promoted to resident, so now I had to read medical journals so I could diagnose patients better. Turns out, Lupus isn’t as common as I thought it was. Though I guess I should have known from Dr. House, since it’s almost never Lupus.

On my days off, I resumed my search for a rainbow gem. I was beginning to learn where all the good spots to find gems were in town, but every time I saw a promising rock, it would turn out to be a blue topaz, a smoky quartz, or a tanzanite. I felt so stupid. You’d think a rainbow gem would stand out and be easy to find. For anyone but me, I guess.

I stopped by the book store on the way home. Argyle Sinclair was there, giving a talk about chess. I stayed and listened, although I’d pretty much given up on the game. The chess club had blown me off for matches so many times that I was ready to take up checkers out of spite.

Dr. Toast had told me that Ariel Song was a key donor to the hospital, and she really liked to get to know all the doctors at the hospital personally. “Everything is politics,” Dr. Toast told me. I knew if I wanted to get far in the medical career, I better befriend Ms. Song. I figured I should start by showing her my medical skills.

“I invented a drug for the world to give worms to ex-girlfriends! Just kidding, it’s a vitamin supplement. Care to give it a try?”

“No, thank you. I had vitamin supplements at lunch.”

Luckily, my idea of playing tag went over better than the experimental drugs. So that’s a tip you can take from me if you want to make friends.

All that running around through the streets of Hidden Springs had worked up quite an appetite. I suggested to Ariel that we get in my car and go find a place to eat.

“Any preference?”

“Well, there’s pretty much only two places to eat in town, and I don’t fell like dressing up,” Ariel replied.

“The diner it is!”

“I’m so FUCKING TIRED!”

“Um, Rachel, maybe we should go. Dinner was nice and all but that old lady over there screaming obscenities is creeping me out, and I got to get up early for work tomorrow any way.”

“OK. I’ll see you some other time. I had fun.” As usual, my mother has to show up and ruin everything.

“Who are you calling, Rachel? Someone with a rainbow gem or imaginary friend potion?”

“Not everything is about you, Wiggles. I figure since Mia has a pet, I should get one too.”

“Oh! Are we going to get another doggy?”

“Not exactly,” I answered. Meet Amy Farrah Fowler. I named her after a character on my favorite TV show, The Big Bang Theory. Isn’t she adorable?

“Rachel, I have something I want to tell you but.. I don’t know how to say it. I was going to wait until I was real.. but now I think I want to know how you feel even if I stay this way forever…”

“What are you saying, Wigs?”

Wiggles then took me into his arms and kissed me deeply. I was pretty shocked. But what was even more surprising was I was kissing him back.

The next thing I know we were both naked and in the shower. Well, I was naked anyway.  Wiggles doesn’t wear clothes in the first place.

That night I slept better than I had in a long time.

“Come along, Rachel, we’ll be late for work.”

“I’m coming, Bowen, it’s just… ugh! I look so silly!”

“You know the rules. I’ll go through it too when it’s my turn!”

“It’ll never be your turn ’cause you keep getting demoted!”  The hospital had a silly tradition of hazing new residents by dressing us in crazy outfits. Apparently Dr. Toast thought it would be funny to put me in a graduation outfit.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m not good at public speaking, so giving a lecture on health benefits at the local military base was going to be hard enough. Dressed like this, however… I sighed and went inside. During my speech I wondered what Amy was up to at home…

What’s this? Smells like dog pee… there’s only one thing to do with dog pee.

Play in it!

A chair! MUST DESTROY!

When I finished the speech, I ran from the room and vomited. God that was so horrifying. Except… a nagging feeling was telling me that nerves wasn’t the only reason I was nauseated.

On my was home from the base, I was startled to see a horse just standing in the road downtown. “Hello, Mr. Horsey! Are you lost? Would you like a carrot?”

The horse turned his back on me and walked away. I can’t even make friends with stupid animals! I’m such a loser!

When I came home, I told Wiggles about all the struggles I had had that day.

“Don’t worry, Rach. I will always love you.”

“Thank you, Wigs, you mean so much to me.”

“When I’m real, can we have a family?”

“Of course, Wigs, I want that more than anything. I can’t wait to have your child.”

Little did I know I wouldn’t have to wait long.

I’d only been asleep for two hours when the phone rang. “You’re on call, Hatfield. Get your ass in here.” I sighed, put on my stupid graduation gown, and headed to the hospital. I wonder what Amy and Ranger are up to?

Lucky animals. I threw up again at work, so Dr. Toast told me I could go home. As I was leaving, another doctor who I didn’t recognize started calling for help.

“It seems to me to be appendicitis. Strange for someone of your age to have this. Better go inside and schedule surgery.” On a whim, I then took the diagnosis machine and ran it on myself.  WHAT THE FUCK??

“So, Rach, what’s up?”

“I’m pregnant with your baby, Wigs. Congrats.”

“Uh, What?”

“That’s what I said. And then some.”

Looks like the imaginary friend potion is a bigger priority now than ever before. I loved Wigs, and was willing to live with him as a doll, but what about everyone else? I didn’t want to sound like I was starting some kind of new religion or something. This wasn’t a virgin birth, despite what Wiggles’ doubters think.

This was getting fucking old.

“I’ll have the charred Rachel, with some fava beans and chianti.”

“Shut up, Wigs, I am so not in the mood. Don’t you know better than to fuck with a pregnant lady?”

Finally success! At least, success on the potion-discovering level. It wasn’t the imaginary friend potion, of course. I wouldn’t be THAT lucky. Instead what I found was a potion the books told me was called Radical Reparum. By drinking it, I now had the power to fix something instantly. It only worked on plumbing and electronics, though. No use trying it to fix my broken sucky life.

“Don’t worry, Rachel. You will get it eventually. You just have to keep on trying!”

“What does it look like I’m doing, quitting? Now leave me alone before I shove this beaker up your ass.”

“I’m just trying to help, Rach.”

“I know, Wigs, I’m sorry.” I don’t know why I treat Wiggles like this sometimes, I guess I take after my mother after all.

Oh, God, some aspects of pregnancy are just too much. My bladder is the size of a teacup now! Between that and the fact I get so wrapped up in my experiments…

Let’s just say there’s been a few accidents.

“Shut up, Wiggles.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Good. Let’s keep it that way.”

At least potion discovering was getting a little easier. Another wrong potion, but I did feel like I was making progress. I didn’t even feel that depressed for discovering the wrong potion this time. Ah! That’s it. I wrote down “Mood Enhancer” next to the potion formula.

“What’s this potion called?”

“Bladder flow. It makes you pee.”

“Shouldn’t it be just called ‘water,’ then, Rach?”

“Smart ass.”

Another thing about pregnancy was I got these weird cravings. Like bell peppers. I had such an urge to eat a juicy bell pepper that I took a quick break from the potion table and headed to the grocery store.

“Thirty three bell peppers? Are you sure? Ah, I see,” the cashier said as she looked at my belly. “Your husband’s luckier than mine was. When I had my son I had an urge for garlic and onion pizza.”

“Just fill the bag,” I sighed. I hate when people assume I’m married. They’re just reminding me of my failure to help Wiggles.

When I got home, Ranger was in the foyer whining. He looked desperately lonely. Oh, Mia.

“What’s the matter, Range? Did your mommy neglect you?” I hardly ever saw Mia any more. She slept all day, and was up all night doing Lord knows what. She’d gotten so busy with her music life she forgot she owned a dog. “Don’t worry, Ranger, I’ll play with you.”

“Doggy, Doggy, Doggy… HUNT!” OK, so it’s probably not how Cesar Milan would do it, but I was making a pointer out of Ranger my way. He looks so cute when he lifts his paw like that.

“Who’s got the rope? Who’s got the rope? You good doggy!” Maybe I should have gotten a dog as well as a cat. Amy was cute and all, but she liked to keep to herself.

“Aw… someone’s jealous! Don’t worry, Mommy loves you, too. Who’s a sweetheart? Amy’s a sweetheart!”

“Ma’am? I’m here from Animal Control. We had reports that your dog was neglected. We’re here for your animals.”

“What? I was just playing with him. He was lonely, yes, but he’s fine now.”

“It’s too late for that, miss. Now hand the cat over.”

“Wait, why do you have to take my cat?” I can’t believe this! My life just gets shittier and shittier!

“It’s the rules, lady.”

That tears it. I went upstairs to give Mia a peace of my mind. She got my kitty taken away!

“Mia! Your apathetic, stone-cold bitch ways got Amy and Ranger taken awa…OW! Oh my GOD! The pain…”

Wiggles and Mia immediately began freaking out. “What do I do? What do I do?” They shouted in unison.

“We go to the hospital!”

“Good thing you know the way there. I’m going back to my game,” Mia said. I can’t believe that girl sometimes. I was about to start another argument with her when another contraction hit.

“Let’s go, Wiggles, I guess I’ll drive.”

Meet Sheldon Hatfield. I named him after Jim Parsons’ character on the Big Bang Theory. I think Jim’s almost as adorable as my new baby.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

“Clean up on aisle three!”

“What did I say, Wiggles??”

“You said not to fuck with a pregnant lady. You’re not pregnant any more.”

“I can still shove you in the washing machine!”

“Oh, please don’t do that Rach, you know how I hate to get my stuffing wet.”

I took a quick nap before I got back to work, and all the events of the day caught up with me all at once. I loved being a new mother and all, but I still missed my kitty.

Well, this potion wasn’t the one to make Wiggles real, but maybe it would help me get over losing Ranger and Amy. I downed the potion and grimaced. Turns out it makes me smell really, really bad. Great, I found a new reason to take a shower. Go me!

This time, the potion smelled heavenly, so I figured I wouldn’t smell like my mother from drinking it. Instead, I felt refreshed, like I had just taken a nice long nap. This must be Sleeping Elixir.

“I feel so close to finding it, Wigs. I just think if I knew a little more about problem solving and logic, I’d have it.”

“Then why don’t you go to the library and read some books about it?”

“That’s a great idea, Wigs! You’re the best!” I kissed him passionately, then ran out the door.

I found the perfect book at the library. I knew this time when I went home and hit that table, I would have the solution.

So if I just put this chemical in this flask for just a few minutes longer… and then add this chemical as a catalyst…

“So you think this will work, Rachel?”

“I’m positive that this will either turn you into a human. Or maybe a vampire,” I assured him.

“A vampire! I don’t want to be a vampire!” Wiggles exclaimed.

“I’m kidding, silly. There’s no such thing as vampires.” Wiggles is so gullible some times.

“Here goes nothing,” Wiggles gulped nervously, and downed the bottle.

A few minutes passed, and Wiggles was consumed by a dark magical cloud. When it lifted I gasped.

“You’re… You’re… You’re…” I stammered, then finally said the last two words.

“A GIRL?” I finished.

“Of course I am, what else would I be?” she replied.

Nothing made sense. If she was a girl, then how did Sheldon? I shook my head. I guess some things in life were never meant to be answered. Besides, it didn’t matter to me what gender Wigs was. I loved her anyway.

The next few days were quite hectic. First I had to explain to my family where Wiggles came from. Then I had to explain that she was the mother of Sheldon. Everyone was flabbergasted, no one really knew what to say. Even my mom was speechless for probably the first time in her life. One day I cornered Wigs in the bathroom, and tackled her.

“I love you so much, babe. I have something to give you.”

“Hey, is the shower in here working? Half the plumbing in this god damn house is broken. You’d think marrying a maid would get some work done around here, go figure.”

“Dad, I’m kind of busy here…”

“Just ignore him, Rach. You were saying?”

“Wiggles, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

“I also can’t seem to find a good sink to wash my dishes in.”

“Yes! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!”

Oh well, at least Dad made the moment unforgettable.

We decided to have the wedding at our house just at sunset. I invited all our extended family, but I was so happy to be finally marrying Wiggles I didn’t even notice who did or did not show up. It was the most perfect wedding ever.

“So, Rach, how many times did you blow yourself up while trying to make me real?” she asked me later that night after all the guests had left.

“I lost count, but you know what? Every single time was totally worth it. I’d do it all again hundred times over just to live with you for the rest of my life.”

“I’m just glad I don’t have to go in that stupid washer ever again,” she giggled. “Seriously, Rach, you’re the best wife a girl could ever ask for.” We turned out the light and ducked under the covers. The wedding was over, and our honeymoon had just begun.

Week Eleven: Set It Off

I bite your tongue
Watch with keen eyes
I found the gun
Nervous excitement
Go on and touch it
You just might like
I sip your poison one last time — Static-X

Mia

Another day, another lonely practice session.  I remember telling my father that I would become a rock star and scowled.  I wasn’t exactly lighting the world on fire with my awesome music.  I have been working down at the theatre and practicing my ass off every night for months now and nobody has even noticed my music let alone offered me any kind of record deal.

I threw down my guitar in disgust.  Why did I even bother?  I clearly needed a break, I needed to clear my head and get my creative juices flowing again.  I slipped out of the front gate and started strolling down the street trying to calm down.  I looked up and saw a bunch of people milling around the neighbor’s yard.  Curious, I went to see what was going on.

Puppies!  It seemed that my neighbors’ dog had given birth and they were trying to adopt out the puppies.

I couldn’t help myself, I picked one of the little guys up and scratched him behind the ears.  Maybe a puppy would get me out of my funk?

I hugged the puppy to my chest and smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks.  I tried to offer the owners some money for the puppy but they assured me that they were just happy he was getting a good home.  I thanked them profusely and ran home grinning.

As soon as I got home Caroline (I would never think of that bitch as my mother) got up in my face about the puppy.

“I’m not going to be cleaning up that dog’s messes!  Look at that dog, I bet it bites!”  She kept rattling off reasons I shouldn’t have gotten the puppy.

“Maybe I’ll train him to bite you, Caroline.”  I said with menace in my voice.  At this she just huffed and walked off.

I plopped the puppy on the floor and let him sniff my hand.

“First things first, you need a name little guy.  Spot?  Rusty?  Rudy?  Rowdy?  Ranger?”  He just looked at me with his head cocked to the side, apparently he didn’t really care what I named him.  I thought about it for a few more minutes and decided on Ranger.  I pointed at him and said his name a few times but he continued to just stare at me blankly.  Right, guess I will have to teach him his name some other time.

I scooped Ranger up and headed down to the local pet shop.  I needed to pick up some food at least and maybe a nice comfy pet bed and some toys.

Ranger ran right over to the biggest pet bed available and sniffed at it.  The bed was way too big for him.  Then I thought about how big he was probably going to get and decided he needed the space.  Besides I wanted to get the best for Ranger and this bed was clearly the best!

After talking with the owner of the shop I ended up with a green version of that expensive bed, a whole box full of dog toys, a fancy dog dish and the very best dog food money could buy.  I needed help loading it all into the cab!

It became quite clear that Ranger would rather chew the furniture instead of his toys.  Every time I turned around that little bugger was ruining another piece of furniture!  I admit I didn’t scold him for it as often as I probably should have, most of the stuff he chewed up was Caroline’s and I couldn’t help but feel satisfaction at that.

The man I adopted Ranger from, Nathan, started coming over everyday to check up on him.  At first I was slightly offended, did he think I was that bad of a pet owner?  That I needed checking up on?  Eventually I caught on that he was really coming to see me though and was flattered.  He was really cute!  I started going over his house a lot as well, using the excuse that Ranger missed his mommy.

It was on one of these trips to his house that I found out that Nathan and his roommates, Derek and Courtney, were in a band.  When Nathan found out I played guitar he offered to let me into the band and I happily accepted.  The band was called Simfish Deathmatch, which I thought was an odd name but I wasn’t about to complain.  I was in a real band!!!  This was turning out to be the best week of my life.

A few weeks passed and I began to feel frustrated with the band and the puppy.  Ranger was trying his hardest to ruin every piece of furniture we had in the house.  It was cute at first when I thought about how much it would piss Caroline off but now it was just getting old.

As for the band I was starting to get worried because Derek never showed up for practice.  I got along great with Nathan and Courtney and we often practiced in my backyard during the day but Derek never showed up.  Hell, I had only even seen the guy once!  He was supposed to be our lead singer and I had never even heard him sing.  Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling very optimistic about the band anymore.  Nathan tried to convince me that Derek had a very “hypnotic” voice and I had nothing to worry about but I couldn’t help it.

I hadn’t really seen Rachel around much in the past few weeks so I was shocked when I walked in the house and found her looking like she had just barely survived a bombing or something.  Dad was helping her and I didn’t want to get in the way so I just hung back and listened.  She was going on and on about Wiggles and some sort of potion but if you want to know the truth she sounded like a lunatic.  Dad and Holly convinced her to go take a nice hot bath, I hoped she was going to be ok.  Me and Rachel haven’t ever been the best of friends but I do love her and wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to her.

Bowen and Holly had their birthday and we all forgot to get them cake.  Should I feel bad about that?  Bowen probably would have loved a cake, he’s always been very childish.  Then again don’t most old people not like to draw attention to the fact that they are getting older?

If I were him I wouldn’t want anyone to be paying attention, he lost almost all his hair!

Holly wasn’t shy about expressing her displeasure at the lack of a party.

In fact she mumbled something about it being the “last straw” and stormed out of the house saying she wasn’t coming back.  Well then.  I felt bad for her, yet another child Caroline screwed up.

Of course it wouldn’t be a birthday party without gifts so I got Ranger a hot dog squeak toy.  I know it wasn’t his birthday, but he doesn’t understand that!  Besides if I know Bowen at all I’m sure he will end up playing with the damn thing as well.

My dad didn’t work at Club Helios anymore but he still kept in contact with all his old buddies there and let me know they were having an amateur night.  I had to work tonight but I got off early enough that the band could participate so I decided to stop by and ask Nathan and Courtney if they wanted to go.  To my surprise Derek was actually there for once and even agreed to come to the club later.

“Looks like we’ll be there!” Nathan moved like he was going to give me a hug but then pulled back at the last second and just gave me a thumbs up.  It was really cute how awkward he was around me sometimes and I made a mental note to make the first move on him later.  Too bad I was running late for work or I might plant a kiss on him now!

After work I changed into something a little more revealing and waited at the bar for the rest of the band.  I began to get nervous, what if they didn’t show up?  Derek didn’t exactly have the best track record and I didn’t know if I believed him when he said he would show up.  If I was being honest with myself I admitted that something about him made me really nervous and I wished we could replace him.  I didn’t see that happening anytime soon though, he was dating Courtney and if we replaced him we would surely have to replace her as well.

I shouldn’t have worried, they actually showed up!  Not only that but we were amazing, clearly a crowd favorite.  Nathan was right; Derek’s voice was hypnotic somehow.  I was having a hard time concentrating on my own playing, my fingers felt clumsy when I listened to his singing.  He looked me right in the eyes and smirked and I nearly forgot to breathe.  Goddamn there was nothing sexier than a musical man.

After the show Nathan grabbed my arm and pulled me outside.  The fresh air blowing on my face felt so nice and helped clear my head.  I felt like I had been knocking back drinks all night but I hadn’t even touched the stuff.  We just stood there for a few minutes in silence.  Derek and Courtney came out of the club, arms slung around each other and headed toward his car.  When he passed me he turned his head and winked and I felt my legs begin to buckle.  Nathan threw him the nastiest look and Derek just laughed and helped Courtney into the car.

After they left we stood there for a few more minutes before Nathan asked if I was ok to drive home.  I assured him I was fine and hopped onto my bike.  He kissed my hand gently and made me promise to take it slow on the way home.

A few days later Nathan came over to practice a little.  We still hadn’t gotten any real gigs and after the one night in the club Derek started skipping practices again.  I had mixed feelings about that.  On one hand I wanted the band to get better so we could get regular gigs and hopefully a record deal someday.  On the other hand I didn’t want to hang out with Derek anymore than was absolutely necessary.  The night in the club freaked me out, I had made a fool of myself in front of everyone.  I couldn’t be attracted to Derek, he was dating one of my best friends!  Not only that but hadn’t I decided just a few days ago to pursue Nathan?

I looked at Nathan and felt the tug in my belly.  I really liked Nathan.  I wanted to have a relationship with Nathan.  This was stupid, the night at the club didn’t matter.  I thought about Derek and felt nothing now.  I decided to pretend the night at the club didn’t even happen, Derek who?  I gathered all my courage and just grabbed Nathan, pulling him close and planting my lips on his.  He looked startled for a moment and then wrapped his arms around me and sank into the kiss.

When we finally pulled back he had the biggest grin on his face!

“What was that for?”  He asked.

“Well, I was getting sick of waiting for you to make the first move.  I figured I should take matters into my own hands.”

He just grinned and pulled me back into his arms.  After that we were inseparable, if he wasn’t at my house then I was over at his.  We spent all our time making out and going at it like rabbits.  Derek wasn’t the only one skipping practices now.  I couldn’t work up the energy to care about the band anymore.

One day when I went over to Nathan’s house I was surprised when Derek answered the door.  He was almost never home during the day, in fact I hadn’t seen him at all since the night at the club.

I started to leave when he told me Nathan wasn’t home, but he urged me to come in, saying he wanted to discuss the band with me.  I warily agreed and stepped into the foyer.

“What did you want to talk about?”  I asked.

He reached up and grabbed the sides of my head.  I freaked out and struggled to get away, I felt very uncomfortable and just wanted to leave.  He pulled my face around until I was looking right into his eyes.  Such mesmerizing eyes. . .

I felt a brief, sharp pain but not even that could drag me out of my sudden stupor.  I felt something wet on my neck. . .was he licking me?  I didn’t get a chance to think anything else before my eyes closed and everything went dark.

I woke up in Nathan’s living room feeling very disoriented.  I couldn’t remember how I got here.  I remembered heading over this morning to see him.  I guess he wasn’t home and I took a nap on his couch?  Why wouldn’t I just go home?  I felt awful, maybe I was coming down with something.

I went home and fell into bed.  I was so tired.  I don’t think my family even noticed how sick I was, bastards.

When I woke up and checked my phone I was alarmed to realize I had slept for a whole day.  I had several messages from Nathan begging me to call him back, he sounded really worried.

He was relieved when I texted him and asked me to meet him at the dog park.  I grabbed Ranger and headed over, still feeling really sick.  As soon as he saw me he could tell something was wrong.  I explained everything to him and told him not to worry, I was sure I just had some sort of stomach bug.

He grabbed my face to look into my eyes and something about the gesture made me flinch back.  I watched as his eyes hardened and his hands balled up in fists.  He looked like he was ready to murder someone and I couldn’t help but be a little afraid of him at that moment.

He saw my reaction and his features softened.  He assured me that he was just concerned for my health.  I was so tired I could hardly even focus on what he was saying anymore.  I pitched forward and he caught me.

“You need rest.  I’ll get you home, hold on, darling.”  I used all of my remaining strength to hold onto his neck as he carried me towards his car.  Ranger followed us looking disappointed, he really wanted to play with the other dogs in the park.

He got me home and tucked into bed, I was so grateful.  I could hardly hold my eyes open any longer.

“You get some rest, I need to go have a little chat with Derek.”  He said as he started walking out.  The look in his eyes as he glanced back scared me to the bone and I wanted to beg him to just stay here with me but I had no strength left.  I fell into an uneasy sleep.

When I woke up I was relieved to see Nathan napping on the bunk above me.  I was also surprised to see Ranger sleeping on the floor near my bed, when had he gotten so big?  How long had I been asleep?

I crept downstairs, careful not to wake Nathan or Ranger, and searched the kitchen for something to eat.  It had been days since I last had any food and I was so hungry.  Nothing in the fridge looked good though.  Just the thought of eating any of that food turned my stomach and I finally settled on juice.  It was better than the food, my stomach could at least tolerate it but it wasn’t quite what I was craving.

After my juice I felt better than I had in days.  I convinced Nathan I was fine and sent him home, promising I would call if I needed him.  I told him I would take it easy today, maybe give Ranger a bath and watch some TV.  I was heading up to get started on Ranger’s bath when I felt it.  I can’t even describe it, it felt like I died in that moment.  Ranger was barking and growling at me, he didn’t like it.

When it was over I felt better than I had in. . .well, my whole life.  It was so disorienting at first, I could hear and smell so much.  It was like sensory overload and I knew I needed to get out of here.  I needed to go see Nathan.

As soon as the thought entered my mind I was stunned to find myself already halfway to his house.  The street was going by me so fast it was all a blur.  I was already in his front door before it even registered that being in the sun, even for that brief moment, had HURT.

Nathan heard me burst into his house and called out.  I followed the sound into the kitchen and found him making salad.  I was so hungry but it smelled repulsive.  I looked at him and saw the expression on his face, I realized that he knew what was wrong with me.  Anger bubbled up and I couldn’t control it.

“What the fuck did he do to me?”  I screamed at him.  He looked positively terrified of me and cringed away.  Then a very interesting thing happened.  I could smell it.  I could smell his fear, the aroma hit my nose and I felt desire slam into my body.

Just like the anger before it the desire was impossible to control.  I grabbed Nathan by the collar and pulled him into me, kissing him with more desperation than I ever had felt before.  It felt great but it wasn’t what I was looking for, it didn’t sate the wild feeling that sprang up in me when I smelled that fear.  I growled with impatience and started to lick my way down his chin towards his ear.  There.  I sniffed.  His neck, the smell coming off it was like nothing I had ever smelled before and I licked at that pulsing point hungrily.  His fear, which had calmed down considerably while we were kissing, spiked to an all time high and I couldn’t handle it.

I sank my teeth into his neck and he jerked in my arms, desperate to get away.  I pulled back long enough to capture his eyes with my own and he stilled instantly.  I ran my tongue through the blood that was running down his neck and starting to stain his shirt.  So good, this was it.  This was that elusive something I had been searching for.

A noise startled me and I looked up.

“Mia, let him go.”  Derek’s voice was calm and full of authority.  I found myself doing exactly as he asked and staring into his eyes.  He was so beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to please him.

“That’s a good girl.  Now come with me, we have a lot to discuss.”

I would do anything for Derek.  I felt desire once again invade my body and put my hands on him, trying to pull him in for a kiss.  He smiled at me but shook his head no.  I was crushed, he didn’t want me?  He saw the look in my eyes and leaned forward to give me a small kiss.

“Later.”  He whispered and I shivered with anticipation.  He drew me back into the kitchen, Nathan was nowhere to be seen, and sat me down at the table.  I tried to concentrate on what he was telling me but I was having a hard time processing information while staring into his gorgeous eyes.

Vampire.  I rolled the word around in my head but couldn’t deny it.  Look what I had done to poor Nathan.  And did I regret it?  I couldn’t say I did, drinking his blood had been the single most exhilarating act of my life and I couldn’t wait to do it again.  Derek spent the next few weeks teaching me things I would need to know in my new life.  How to hide myself from the humans, how to hunt without killing my prey and how to control these overwhelming emotions I felt.  I was doing fine with the first two but the last. .. I didn’t want to control these feelings.  I wouldn’t.  Up until now my life had been pretty shitty and I decided that from now on I lived life on my own terms.  If I wanted something well then I was going to take it and woe to anyone who got in my way.

Week Ten: Learning to Fly

A soul in tension — that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can’t keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I – Pink Floyd

Rachel

Mom sure beat the hell out of this thing. It looks like a part of the doll she pretends is Dad got stuck in the wheel. That’s why it won’t turn. Oh well, I’ll fix it right up for her like I always do.

“OK, Mrs. Hatfield, I fixed up your car,” Mr. Wiggles told Mom. She didn’t like my friend at first, but she’s come around on him. The closest I feel with my mom is when we play “Let’s Pretend.” She’s a kid at heart when she’s not screaming at people. Ever since she got caught stealing money from the campaign fund, all Mom does now is sleep all day, and then she goes out at night. Dad thinks she hits the bars, but she always seems stone cold sober when she gets home to me.

I had gotten a job at the hospital, I wanted to learn everything I could about the human body. I like learning things, but I had a special reason for my interest in anatomy and biology and life in general.  But first, I wanted to increase my skills in logic. I signed up for a class at the science facility. I also began asking a few questions about my special interest. Amazingly, one of the scientists said he could help me, but first I had to find him something.

That “something” was a very rare kind of gem. I started scouring Hidden Springs for it, but all I could find was a lump of iron. Story of my life I guess. I was so excited when I saw it flashing in the sun several yards away, but it wasn’t a rainbow gem. My heart broke and I began to cry.

Of course, that’s when the fucking paparazzi showed up. Sorry. I guess some of my mother’s language wears off on me sometime, but what better word can I use to describe these assholes? Just because my mom is the disgraced former candidate for governor, doesn’t mean me crying over a silly rock is news. I should be glad I’m not my sister Cynthia though. Ever since she announced she and our half sister Thalia were expecting a baby, the media’s done nothing but give her grief about it.

“Night, Holly,” I said as I climbed up into my bunk bed. She had wet the bed again. She’s a nice girl but Bowen wasn’t the best father to her. He seems off in his own world all the time, and doesn’t even remember to go to work on most days. I guess it’s good the two of them found my mother, even though as I can attest, she’s not exactly the best parent either.

The next morning, when I came downstairs, my dad had some bad news for me. “Your mother was arrested last night.”

“Why?”

“It turns out all these nights she’s been out late, she wasn’t at the clubs or bars, but working for a crime syndicate.”

“Oh, Christ.” I started sobbing, I just couldn’t take it any more. How many times was she going to let me down like this? Why couldn’t I have normal parents like everyone else in the world? I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom.

Wiggles was already in the bathroom. “You’re not going to take a shower are you? The shower is SCARY and I HATE water.”

“You know I hate water too, Wiggles. Mom got arrested last night. Turns out she’s in with the town bad guys.”

“It’ll be OK, Rach. You’ll always have me.”

“Thanks, Wigs, I love you so much. I’d never have survived this far without you.”

“So, did you learn anything about making me real yet?”

Please don’t laugh. I’ve had my doll since I was a baby, and, one day, he just started to talk to me. I’m not crazy. At least I don’t think I am. Anyway, I read a lot of books about it, and I found out lots of kids in Hidden Springs have had the same experience. Some stories even spoke of dolls who became real. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but I think if I can put my mind to it, I can find out if these stories are true or not.

“There’s a scientist at the lab who said he heard somewhere rainbow gems can make a potion that turn dolls real. I hope he wasn’t pulling my leg, but it’s worth a shot.”

Well crud, now I’m going to be late for work. My boss, Rebecca Toast, is sure to yell at me again. I think she hates me.

While I was at work, an idea came to me. Sometimes the consignment store sold rocks that other people had found. Maybe I could get a rainbow gem that way! I ran to the store after work. The lady who worked the counter was chatting with a friend of hers when I walked in. She nodded to acknowledge my presence then kept chatting. I sighed, and continued to wait.

“Can I help you? Make it quick, we close real soon.”

Yeah, I’m so sorry to hold you up. “Would you happen to have any rainbow gems?”

“Nope. OK, thanks for shopping, good night!” She closed the register and hustled me out of the store.

“Hi, Mia. I had a rough day at work. The janitor shoved me into the laundry cart and then dumped me in the garbage. He thought it was funny, that crazy asshole. Want to pillow fight so we can blow off some steam?”

“Um, maybe some other time, I got to practice.”

Oh well, I’ll always have Wiggles.

“HUSTLE, RACHEL! I’M GONNA LEAVE WITHOUT YOU.”

Why is everyone always so mean to me? I silently road to work, embarrassed my coworker yelled at me. At work I looked around for Bowen. He had left his job at the science career because the hospital had made him a better offer. Why, I don’t know.

Turns out, he didn’t go. As usual.  Dad told me he was sitting at the kitchen table watching flies hatch out of food he left out for that exact purpose. Dad said it was gross as hell, but I thought it sounded cool. My day was nowhere near as fun. Dr. Toast asked me to substitute for the anesthesiologist, so I did. I left the gas on though, and knocked myself out. And a surgery team prepping for OR as well. Fucking shit.

“Sorry, Ma’am, still no rainbow gems.” Sigh, why is my life so shitty?

Dr. Toast told me if I wanted to be a doctor, it would help if I learned chess so I could think quicker on my feet. I joined the local club, and they gave me a list of names. “See, we have a ladder system. You have to beat the person on your current rung before you can play higher opponents.”

This sounded like fun. But when I called Emily Chesterfield she told me that something had come up and she couldn’t come over.

“So, at work today, I suggested Lupus because the symptoms sounded like something I had read about, and Dr. Toast laughed at me and accused me of watching too much House.”

The next day, Bowen didn’t show up at work again. Mom told me she had a huge fight with Dad about it, because she saw Dad talking to him. She thinks Dad distracts Bowen so he forgets to go to work. I told Mom that Bowen was a full grown man and responsible for his own actions, but that didn’t go well. Luckily, the phone rang. It was Thalia calling to tell us Cynthia had given birth! I was so happy for them. They named him Matthew, and he’s the most adorable thing ever. Even better I got a promotion to bed pan cleaner! Saying that out loud I realize it doesn’t sound like something to be excited about, but it does pay better.

“No. No rainbow gems. Look, lady, we’ll call you if any come in.”

“Thank you, sorry to be such a bother.” I know she was getting sick of seeing me, but I was afraid if I just trusted her to call me, she’d forget. Wiggles was counting on me too much for that.

I realized though that if the scientist at the lab was just going to make a potion for me, maybe I could learn the potion myself! Beats running around town picking up dirty rocks.

Before I could finish brewing up my first potion, however, Dad called me into the kitchen. It was Jarvis’s birthday. Our household was always having a birthday it seems. But cake and parties are awesome, so I don’t mind.

Jarvis looked a bit shocked to look so old, but Dad didn’t mind. “You’re still as handsome as the day I met you,” he said. I hope I can find happiness like that someday.

“Oh, sorry, Rachel. I was on my way out the door to come over for our chess match, but my mom called. Sorry.”

Emily had stood me up again. I was going to be the lowest chess rank FOREVER.

“Hey, guys. Cynthia called today to thank us for the baby gifts. She also said she’s pregnant again. She laughed and said Thalia’s a bit shell-shocked.”

I kind of like my new outfit for work. At least, I do in the mornings. By the end of my day as a bed pan cleaner, let’s just say my scrubs aren’t bright pink any more.

“Oh! Just who I wanted to see! I have a rainbow gem for you!”

“Really?” I jumped with glee.

“No, I don’t have one! I told you I would call, lady! Now leave me alone!”

Bitch.

When I got home I poked my head in the bathroom. “Um, Bowen, Dr. Toast said if you don’t start coming to work soon, you might as well just stop coming period.” Bowen ignored me, splashing with his ducky. I shrugged. Not my problem. I didn’t know Bowen wore a toupee though.

Mia was getting really good on her guitar. I am so happy for her. I wish I had a talent of some kind. I can’t even find anyone to play chess with me.

“Did you get it?” Wiggles eagerly asked me.

“No, judging from the ingredients I used and the color, this should be Liquid Horror.” I drank it to see what it would do.

“Whoa, are you sure you should be drinking that?”

“Not really,” I replied. It didn’t seem to do anything to me though.

“Wiggles, I love you and all, but could you stop staring at me while I do this?”

“Why?”

BOOM!

“Oh, no reason.”

Looks like I was going to have to add a shower to my workstation in the garage.

Well, fuck. This is getting nowhere fast.

“Don’t feel bad, Rach. Dr. House always has to try three or four times before he finds the answer.”

“Thanks, Wiggles. MOM! I can see you! You’re not sneaking up on me.”

Since mom’s arrest, she’s been getting along with Dad better now. I have no idea why. I asked her if she still hated Dad, and she said that she actually considers him to be her best friend. I bet that lasts only a week though.

I kept failing at my potion creation so much I had lost track of whether I had showered or not. One morning, I was pillow fighting with Wiggles when I heard my car pool loudly honking.

“Let’s go, Rach.” My coworker started to snicker to herself.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing,” she said as we drove to work.

I got promoted to paramedic that day and I excitedly ran all the way to the consignment store.

“Oh, wow.”

“So, did you get any rainbow gems?”

“Um, no, you, um, got something…”

“Oh, God! My stomach!” she said, as she doubled over in pain.

“Here, let me help.”

“This shot should help with your nausea.”

“Um, if you say so…”  I injected the solution into her arm and she felt better almost immediately.

“Wow, thanks, oh, look at the time! Night!” She closed up the shop and hustled me out, not even giving me a chance to look at her wares.

I had been told at work that I should get to know Ariel Song, a local politician. “If she has friends at the hospital, she’s more likely to help get us state funds,” Dr. Toast explained to me.

“You have a nice house,” I told Ariel when I went to her house.

“Hey, I’m having a party, you should stick around.”

“I’m feeling pretty tired,” I told her, but I agreed anyway.

At the party some guy showed up with no pants on. What a weirdo.

I was so tired I crawled into Ariel’s bed and slept through most of the party.

I probably wouldn’t have slept very well if I had known what was going on while I was sleeping. He just stood there and stared at me the whole time.

When I got home, Mom was repeatedly mopping the floor. “Look, Mom, you have to fix the sink first, then clean up the water. Let me call the repair man.” She never could find her purpose in life, so now she just grasps at anything she can find. It’s real depressing.

The next day after work I hit the consignment store again. This time I hit pay dirt. No rainbow gems, but they had a miner! Maybe with it, I could dig up a rainbow gem.

“It sure is noisy, Rach. I don’t think I like it.”

“Look, do you want to be real or not?”

I did find a luminous gem, which was pretty cool, but no rainbow gem. Back to the potions I guess. I was getting really discouraged, but for Wiggles’ sake I just couldn’t quit.

Or maybe I could. I feel like I’m just covered head to toe in soot every fucking day now. Why does my life suck so fucking hard? Why am I such a failure? Why couldn’t Mom just have had twins so I’d never been born? The world would have been better off.

I crawled into bed and took a nap with my mommy. Just a few moments…

I got up a couple hours later, and prepared to wash off. Wiggles was staring hopefully at me.

“Get out Wiggles! I need to bathe!”

“So are you not gonna make potions any more?”

“Jeez, Wigs, I took a break to eat! I’m heading back out.”

“Maybe you should try…”

“BACK OFF WIGGLES! I NEED TO CONCENTRATE!”

“See, look what you made me do!”

“Dr. House…”

“Shut it, Wiggles we’ll try again tomorrow.”

“Rachel! Your sister just called! It’s another boy! They named him Nikolas! Rachel?” Mom poked her head in the garage and saw me sleeping. “Oh, Jesus Fucking Christ! You couldn’t shower first? You’re getting soot all over my sheets!” I was too out of it to hear her or care.

Week Nine: The Luckiest

I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here —  Ben Folds

Jack

As I snuggled up next to Jarvis I thought about my plans for the day.  I was finally going to propose.  I’ve wanted to do it for quite some time now, but it really threw me for a loop when Caroline brought home a random husband and child one day.  Not that I cared what Caroline did exactly, but I did worry that Jarvis might think I was just proposing to him in reaction to Caroline’s wedding.  When the time came to make him mine I didn’t want there to be any question about my feelings.  Maybe I was just being paranoid or maybe I was just using anything as an excuse to put it off, I don’t know.

I was determined to propose today no matter what happened.  I think the universe took that as some sort of personal challenge because the entire day was one disaster after another.  First I somehow managed to walk in on my daughter taking a shower.  I have never been more embarrassed in my life!  Poor Rachel wasn’t able to look at me the entire day without blushing furiously.

Then Holly had a nightmare and managed to pee the bed.  Of course it was up to me and Jarvis to calm the poor little girl down, Caroline and Bowen were both at work like usual.

I grabbed her some fresh clothes and tried to comfort her while Jarvis gathered up her dirty sheets.  A few minutes later I heard him yelling from the laundry room; it seems the washer was on the fritz again.  Great!

Just as I was about to come help Jarvis with the washing machine I heard our new maid screaming in the kitchen.  Could anything else go wrong today?  Apparently Mia had been rigging all the sinks in the house to explode whenever anyone used them and the maid was getting pretty sick of it.  He threatened to quit if I didn’t get my “monster child” under control.  I tried to explain to Mia that she couldn’t keep acting out this way, I don’t really think I got through to her though.

When the sink in my bathroom exploded all over me less than an hour later I was furious.  That girl was in so much trouble when I caught up with her, but for now I was already running super late.  I sighed and called a repair lady.  I hated to waste the money when I knew I had the skills to fix it myself but the day was almost over already and I just didn’t have time.

I grabbed Jarvis and pulled him out of the house quickly before anything else could go wrong.  We got to the look out just as the sun started to set.  I took a deep breath and let the problems of the day melt away as I gazed at his lovely face.

“Jarvis, before I met you my life was constantly in upheaval.  I stumbled through, making mistake after mistake and never caring what anybody thought of me.  Then I met you and my whole world changed.  You make me want to be a better man because you deserve nothing but the best in life.”

“I love you so much, Jack.” He whispered.  I held my finger up to quiet him so I could get this all out.

I slid down onto one knee and pulled out the ring.  He covered his mouth and tears streamed down his face, I had a moment of panic at the sight of the tears.  Were they happy tears or was I about to be rejected?  Gathering my courage I found my voice.

“I can’t imagine ever spending a day without you Jarvis.  Will you marry me?”

He didn’t seem to be able to speak, the tears ran unchecked down his face.  I think he could see the panic in my eyes because suddenly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen burst across his face and he started nodding vigorously.  He held out his hand and I slid the ring on his finger, happier than I have ever been in my whole life.

The instant the ring was on his finger he threw himself into my arms and just held on.  We stayed like that for a long time, not moving, not speaking, just holding each other under the stars.

Eventually we made it home and I excitedly burst into the living room to share my good news.  Cynthia was the most excited out of everyone, she loves weddings!  Everyone else just sort of took it in stride.  It’s not that they weren’t happy for us (well Caroline probably wasn’t) but really we had been living together now for so many years I think most people just forget we weren’t already married.

Planning the wedding only took a few weeks.  We wanted it to be held at home and kept the guest list pretty short.  Cynthia convinced us to have the ceremony in the gazebo which in hindsight was a terrible idea.  The wedding arch fit in there just fine but none of the guests could find a good place to stand!

Despite the problems the ceremony was beautiful.

Caroline was even civil that day.  I think marriage has mellowed her out a little bit.

When it came time to cut the cake Jarvis slowly started inching back away from the table.  I saw and just laughed.

“You’re getting cake shoved in that face of yours no matter what, don’t make it worse for yourself!”

He chuckled and made a break for it.  I quickly grabbed a handful of the sticky frosting and chased after him.  He didn’t stand a chance, several guests formed a wall to block his escape and I smeared the handful of cake all over his mouth.  I even put a bit of frosting on the tip of his nose for good measure.  He was laughing so hard I thought he might choke on the cake!

“You guys are all horrible, letting him catch me like that!”  He tried to look fake angry at the guests that had blocked off his escape.  He looked positively ridiculous with the cake all over his face though and we all just laughed at him.  Then he grabbed my cake smeared hand and started to lick my fingers.  I returned the favor and started licking the frosting from his delicious lips.  The crowd of people just giggled and started helping themselves to cake, letting us be alone for a bit.

Things were starting to get really heated between us when we heard a huge commotion over by the cake.  Reluctantly I pulled out of the kiss and glanced over to see what was the matter.  My friend Story was in labor!  Her husband was at work so she was at the party all alone.  I knew I should take her to the hospital but it was my wedding night. . .I didn’t want to leave Jarvis.  He saw the conflict in my eyes and smiled softly at me.

“I’m not going anywhere Jack, we have all the time in the world.  Take your friend to the hospital, I’ll be here when you get back.”

Jarvis was such a caring and patient soul, I still don’t understand how I got lucky enough to share my life with him.

“Save me some cake!”  I whispered and planted one last kiss on that sexy mouth before turning to help my friend.

We looked so ridiculous showing up at the hospital in our formal wear.  There was a couple hanging out at the entrance and they absolutely flipped out when they saw Story.  I think they were high on something.

Story’s husband Dennis Chesterfield showed up soon after we got there and I went home.  Story called me the next day and told me she had a little girl and they named her Rosemary.

I must admit that when I got home and saw that Jarvis had already gone to sleep I was disappointed.

As soon as I removed my keys and laid them on the bedside table I heard the covers being flipped back and glanced over to see Jarvis waiting for me with open arms.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”  I whispered.

“Nonsense, I was just taking a nap so I would have plenty of energy for when you came home!”  His eyes gleamed as he reached up and grabbed my arm to pull me down to him.

The next few weeks passed quickly and life settled back down into routine once again.  One day Caroline got a call from the science lab asking where Bowen was, apparently he hadn’t shown up for work.  I heard her screaming at him that night.  She told him that if he wanted to be the husband of such an important political figure (hah!) he better shape up and improve his work performance.

     

I guess he took what she said to heart because he started taking some pretty serious risks at the lab.  I was worried about his health but I didn’t really think it was my place to step in and say something.  Hopefully he doesn’t do anything too dangerous!

       

We found out a few weeks later that Caroline didn’t even have a job in politics anymore.  She finally stole money from the campaign fund one too many times and got canned.  Who knows where she’s been going when she claims to be working.

Despite her shady behavior lately we all gathered together for Caroline’s birthday.  A small part of me was amused to see her turn into an elder, I bet it really pisses her off to be old.

She tried every desperate trick in the book to make herself look younger than she really was.  She dyed her hair, she piled on the make up, she tried wearing the shortest skirt she could get away with and not look gross.  I don’t think it really worked but I wouldn’t dare tell her that.

“Hear ye, hear ye!  Today everyone must give gifts to my mommy cause it’s her birthday and you’re always supposed to be nice to old people.”

I saw Caroline choke on her cake and tried so hard to stifle a laugh.  I saw the anger building up in her eyes and just knew she was about to say something horrible to the poor kid.  I stepped in quickly.

“Hey Holly, why don’t you go get the card you made Caroline from your room?”

She hopped off her chair and ran toward the stairs happily.  Caroline glared at me.

“Don’t even say it Caroline.  You will be nice to her, do you understand?”

She muttered something under her breath about Holly not even being her kid but didn’t argue with me.  Maybe old age really had mellowed her out a bit.

“Mia, I don’t think you’re supposed to be drinking that.”

“Oh, what, are you going to run off and tell mommy on me?”

Rachel told me later that she had seen Mia drinking and I sighed.  Part of me thinks I should go easy on her because it’s my own fault for keeping so much alcohol in the house, but another part of me worries about that girl and thinks I should really put my foot down this time.

Now that Caroline isn’t an “important politician” anymore Bowen has been skipping work again.  I’m not sure he does it on purpose though.  He gets all ready for work and then just seems to . . .forget.  Sometimes I remind him gently that he should be at work and heads in for the day.  I’m not really sure how old he is but maybe it’s possible he’s getting senile?

The day finally came for the triplets to become young adults.  I can’t believe that my last babies are growing up on me!

Rachel has always been the sensible, quiet sister and I know she will achieve anything she sets her mind to.

I was more worried about Mia.  My little rebel, I only hope she will finally be comfortable in her own skin.

I know she hopes to be a rock star someday and I support her whole-heartedly.

“Mia, don’t be rude, our sister is blowing out her candles!”

Mia snorted.  “Well she can suck it cause I’m hungry.”

Rachel and Cynthia just looked at Mia and sighed.

The instant she aged up Cynthia whipped out her phone, went to the corner of the room and began whispering frantically into it.

None of us were really surprised when she hung up and announced that she was moving out.  Ever since her prom when she told us all that she was dating her half-sister things between her and the rest of the family had been strained at best.  I know she didn’t feel comfortable living here.

She moved in with Thalia immediately.  Even though I’m still a bit weirded out by their relationship I can’t help but hope my daughters have happy lives.

Graduation came and went.  Mia seemed overly happy to be old enough to drink now and I once again worried for my little rebel.

(For some reason I didn’t get any notifications for either of the other girls!)

Then came the day I was dreading.  Holly’s birthday.  Why was I dreading Holly’s birthday?  It was also my birthday!

Holly was finished blowing out her candles too soon and then it was my turn.

Jarvis seemed really excited to watch me blow out my candles but I couldn’t help feeling fear that he wouldn’t want me anymore once I was old.

I didn’t feel too bad, maybe it wasn’t as horrible as I thought.  I hadn’t seen myself yet though and hurried off to the bathroom to find a mirror.

That’s where I was when Jarvis found me.  When he finally got me to admit to my fear that he wouldn’t want me anymore he grabbed my shoulders and stared me right in the eyes.

“I don’t care if you’re old, I’m with you forever.  Do you understand me?”

I felt the tears building in my eyes and nodded at him.  At that moment I felt like my life was complete, my girls were all grown up and I had the man of my dreams all to myself now and forever.  I’m the luckiest man in the world.

Week Eight: Politician

Hey now baby, get into my big black car
Hey now baby, get into my big black car
I wanna just show you what my politics are – Cream

Caroline

“Like what you see Jack? Oh, I forgot, you don’t swing that way any more.”

“Unlike you, Caroline, gender isn’t that big of a deal to me. I love Jarvis, and that’s all that matters.”

“You’re so gullible Jack, did it ever occur to you the maid just wants to sleep in a nice big bed instead of make it for a change?”

“Why do you always expect the worse out of people?”

“I’m hardly ever disappointed, am I?”

So I was told if I wanted to be elected to city council I’d better do some reading about civics and other boring shit like that. Ugh, it was awful. I hate books so much. Besides, politics is just mind games, that’s all I need to know.

My daughters love reading, however. I don’t know why. There’s no way they got it from their father. The last book I bet Jack read was Green Eggs and Ham.

Well shit, Rachel’s talking to an invisible person again. All my kids do that, what the fuck is UP with that? I guess I better spend some time with her so she doesn’t turn out as a social reject like Alison did.

“So, honey, maybe you’re a little too old for an imaginary friend.”

“Maybe you’re right, mom. We should spend more time together instead.”

“That sounds fun, sweetheart. Now that you’re a big girl, let’s do something more mature than playing make-believe.”

“You’re IT!” I shouted and ran outside. Rachel laughed, and took off after me. It was a bit chilly outside, I guess I should have gotten dressed first.

“Mom, that was fun and all, but I was hoping we’d do something a bit mature than that. How about you teach me how to drive?”

“OK, let me go get dressed and grab a drink.”

“Um, how about you skip the drink?”

“Everything’s more fun with a drink, I’m not sure why you insisted I do this sober. YOU’RE driving, not me.”

“I only have a learner’s permit. Both of us have to be sober. You work for the city, don’t you know the laws?”

“Meh, not in my job description.”

“Mom, I’m too hungry to do this anymore.”

“Well, you could have just pulled over and let me drive to the diner. I don’t know why you had to park.”

When we finally got to the diner I frowned. Some asshole had the nerve to bring his toddler to the diner. How the fuck am I supposed to eat when there’s a screaming kid interrupting my meal?

I called a waiter over. “Sir, this guy’s kid is bothering me. I work for the city, and if you don’t want the health department to shut you down, I suggest you get him to leave.” The waiter immediately ushered the whiny brat out, along with his father. Hopefully now I can dine in peace.

So readers, I’ve made my way up to a position on the city council. Unfortunately, we had to shut down the diner due to health code violations. My daughters and I enjoyed dining there for years, we’re going to miss it!

“Mom, I’m getting sick of cake for breakfast every day. Dad tells me you used to cook, how about you prove it?”

“How about you be glad you’re eating cake instead of shit?”

“Caroline, –”

“Shut the fuck up, Jarvis.”

Now that I’m a city council member, I had to raise money for my campaign funds. I was able to get the job because the Mayor appointed me, but if I wanted to become mayor, I was going to have to win an election. Luckily, I had made a large number of friends throughout my various careers.

After a few hours of waiting,  I went outside to see where all the party guests were. All I found was some teenage boy hanging out staring at my house longingly.

“Hey, kid, want to donate to my campaign?”

“I don’t have any money. Is Mia home?”

Looks like no one was coming to my party. I guess it was time to go door to door. I walked across the street to the O’Dourkes.

Emma let me in the household. The whole time I talked to her I couldn’t think of anything but how hot her husband looked. Maybe I could get him alone later… but first I had to schmooze with Emma. I gave her some spiel about a better Hidden Springs and crap like that. She must be really stupid or something because she gave me 10,000 simoleons.

Finally, Emma went to bed so I went and found Emmett and started giving him the same speech. I stumbled over a few words, why was I so attracted to this guy? He also gave me 10,000 bucks, I guess he didn’t know his wife already donated.

After we finished up business, I got down to business. However, Emmett was having none of it.

“I’m married, my wife’s asleep right in this room, and besides, I’m just not interested!”

“We’ll be really quiet then…”

“Please leave.”

“I don’t know why you’re bothering setting that up again, Caroline. No one came yesterday, no one will come again today.”

“Shut up.”

“By the way, it’s Jeremiah’s birthday, we’re getting ready to cut the cake.”

“Crap, get that over with before the guests show up!”

“There’s no rush, trust me.”

“Yay! I love cake!”

“Shut up and blow out the candles, kid. I got company coming over really soon.”

“So this is what it feels like to be an adult.”

“Was that the doorbell?”

“No, mom, I left the TV on.”

“Fuck!”

The hours passed, the sun went down, and it became evident no one was coming. Depressed, I went to bed.

“Well, looks like I’m moving out. Bye, Dad, bye Caroline… where’s Caroline?”

“She went to bed.”

“I get knocked down! But I get up again! You’re never gonna get me down!”

The next morning, I got up, put on some Chumbawumba, and got motivated to face another day. I wasn’t going to let two failed parties stop me. This time, people were going to show up, damn it.

After work, I set up the buffet tables yet again. The doorbell rang. Finally! I answered the door and sighed. Another damn broke teenager. This is what I get for letting Rachel help with the guest list.

The guests poured in one by one. I looked around and noticed Alison had came! I hadn’t seen her since she moved out!

“Sweetie! How about some money for your mother’s campaign!”

“Um, Mom, you didn’t give me anything when I left. I’m barely scraping by as it is.”

“So after all I’ve done for you you have NOTHING to pay me back with? You ungrateful little bitch. You know, if you focused on your figure, maybe you’d be able to get a well paying job like your mother did.”

“You know what Mom? Go fuck yourself. I don’t have to put up with your shit any more, so I’m leaving.”

She stormed out. Some people are so sensitive. Oh well, I had plenty of other guests to focus on.

I went outside and found Simon Cho. I got ready to launch into my speech when I suddenly was distracted by Emmett’s arrival. Um..

“Emmett, I think you forgot something. I know this is a black tie affair, sweetheart, but you need more than that to attend.”

“What else do I need?”

“PANTS, YOU SHITHEAD!”

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

“Please leave.”

“OK.”

“Sorry, Simon, so as I was saying, could you please donate to my campaign fund?”

“I’m all tapped out this month.”

Motherfucker!

Mia had a blast at the party. She served up drinks for all the guests. I guess the little lush is going to be a drunk waste of space just like her father.

“Hey, Mom, the tip jar has almost 50 grand in checks in it for your fund!”

Show off little bitch.

So the party was a raving success, although I wasn’t able to get anyone to contribute a dime in person. I headed into the garage to go to bed. Rachel was in my bunk! WTF.

“Sorry Mom, I was hiding from all those noisy guests. Let me finish this chapter.”

“You and your damn books. I’ll just go sleep in your bed.”

Work was going well, though. It paid a lot more than any job I’d ever had. Well, technically it didn’t, but I was able to siphon a few thousand out of my campaign fund every once in a while. I’d made at least ten grand that way so far.

To celebrate my latest “bonus” I headed to the bistro. I had done some thinking about my chances of winning the mayoral election and realized all the other candidates were married. It looked better if I had a husband, so I figured I should better start taking applications for the job.

I approached a rather interesting looking man at the bistro. He seemed pretty cute, despite his fucked up ears. For some reason he also looked like he had just drowned. Still, I think he looked familiar, and voters love famous people.

“I’m a musician,” he told me. “My band has the top hit on the charts right now, that’s probably why you’ve seen me before. Also, I’ve been to your house several times, Caroline.”

“Oh, I love music! Your band is awesome!”

“Really? What’s the name of my band?”

“Um. Air Supply?”

“Not even close.”

“Meh, meh, meh, I’m Caroline. All I do is think about myself and I never notice any of my friends! I can invite people over to my fancy parties and never once notice who comes!”

“Why, you piece of…”

“Sorry, can’t hear you. Got something stuck in my ear.”

What a fucker! I stormed out of the bistro.

I called up my agent and asked if she had any ideas of anyone who’d make a good husband. She told me she knew of someone and he could be found at Redwood Heights Luxury Lodge.

Wow, this guy was pretty cute. “Bowen Jamison?” I said as I walked up to him.

“That’s me. How can I help you, hot stuff?”

We began chatting, and I pretended to be interested in whatever boring shit he was into.

“So you’re a scientist? I read a book about the science of cooking once. It was pretty awesome.”

I had ripped out some flowers in the yard in front of the lodge. Bowen seemed to like them. This was going a lot better than I hoped.

It wasn’t long before we were making out. Bowen did mention something about being in a relationship, but I convinced him to break it off.

Finally, I was ready to give Bowen my business proposition. “Bowen Jamison, will you do me the honor of being my First Man?”

I don’t think he was listening too much, he seemed to be focusing on the giant ring I had bought him.

I didn’t want a wedding ceremony or anything. This was really just for a name on a piece of paper, and public appearances. I was going to enjoy making out with this hunk, however. We exchanged vows on the balcony of the lodge, and we officially became Mr. and Mrs. Hatfield. (C’mon, like I was going to have to start my political career all over again by taking his name?)

I told Bowen to pack up his stuff and get ready to move in with the rest of the horde in the mansion.

Turns out Bowen had a big surprise for me.

So, Bowen had a daughter. Her name was Holly. I can’t remember who her mother was. I guess it was the woman he was living with before he met me. She seemed to really like Jack and Jarvis though, so I decided she’d be their problem.

My gamble with Bowen paid off though. I narrowly won the mayoral election. I was now in charge of Hidden Springs.

One of my first jobs as mayor was to cheer up the sick kids at the hospital. They were pretty gross, with tubes coming out of them and stuff. My life is just so hard sometimes.

Bowen was a pretty good husband. Though sometimes we fought over who got to play with the best car.

“God damn little shit!” Was I ever going to be able to get a good night’s sleep around here? With my luck, Bowen was going to knock me up with quintuplets if I wasn’t careful.

Of course, as a politician the first thing you do when you get elected is get ready for the next election. I set up the buffet table for yet another fundraiser. But where the hell was my husband? “Bowen! Get your ass down here!”

“I’m busy!”

I found Bowen upstairs playing with dolls. Fuck the party. I sat down and joined him.

Bowen suddenly disappeared when he heard the cars drive up. I kept playing, oblivious to the fact my guests had arrived. Suddenly, the whole lot of them walked in on me, in my underwear, playing with dolls. Whoops.

After the party, I got to work on the dishwasher. If you want anything done in this house, you got to do it yourself.

“Hey, mom! Make sure that it’s still on while you’re working on it so you know for sure it’s working! And stand in a puddle of water while you’re at it.”

“Ha ha. I poisoned your drink.”

So my life was finally seeming to get in order. I’d found out what I was good at: Politics. Jack and I were learning to live with each other. He was pretty tolerable and kept to himself and Jarvis, and when I needed to blow off steam he was always good for a practical joke.

Bowen was a decent husband. The sex was good, he looked great at public appearances, and most importantly, he was fun to play games with. Life was as good as it gets, I guess.

And so readers, I must now close my blog. With my campaigns taking up so much time, I just don’t have time for it any more. Thanks for all your comments and suggestions throughout the years. Just remember one last thing… VOTE FOR HATFIELD FOR GOVERNOR!

Week Seven: How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)

I needed the shelter of someone’s arms
There you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs
There you were
With sweet love and devotion
Deeply touching my emotion
I want to stop, and thank you baby — James Taylor

Jack

Oh, come on!  Of all the times to have the shower break!  Jarvis is going to be here any minute now.  Maybe if I can get it fixed up real quick he won’t spend his whole day mopping water…

“DADDY!!!”

I put down my wrench and sighed.  Today was not going to be my day, I could already tell.  All I wanted was to spend a little time with Jarvis. I’ve even been going out of my way to clean up before he gets here so he has more time to spend with me.  Between broken showers and terrified children, however, I doubted I would get much time with him today.

I finally managed to convince Cynthia that dragons weren’t real and even finished fixing the shower.  I ran down the stairs and scanned the street for Jarvis’s car.  Darn, he wasn’t here yet.  I guess I have time for some breakfast.  As I walked into the dining room I saw Caroline tormenting poor Mia again.  Caroline seems to hate the poor child, I think it’s cause she looks so much like me.  I go out of my way to give Mia extra attention because of it.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than torment children, Caroline?”

Caroline just glared at me and stalked away.  She’s still not really talking to me, not that I care.

“Why does mommy hate me?”  I could see the tears forming in Mia’s eyes and at that moment I wanted to kill Caroline.

“She doesn’t hate you sweetie, she’s just very childish.  You know I love you very much and you can always talk to me, right?”

Mia sniffled.  “Peaches too, right daddy?”

“Yes sweetie, Peaches too.”

Peaches was her imaginary friend.  I wasn’t sure how healthy it was that she spent all her time with an imaginary friend but I was just happy she had anyone to talk to other than me.  The other girls saw how much Caroline hated Mia and had started excluding her as well.  I’m not sure they did it on purpose, I think they just subconsciously didn’t want their mother to reject them too.

Finally I spotted the maid car out front, Jarvis was here!  I ran outside to meet him at the gate.  Jarvis is my best friend in the whole world.  I met him when he started working for us before the triplets were born.  After the whole incident with Caroline I was pretty depressed for years.  I don’t know what I would have done without Jarvis!  He constantly stayed late and helped me out with the children.  He was my rock.

After a few years he finally convinced me to give love a try once more and boy, am I glad I did!  We have been dating for over three years now and I couldn’t be happier.  He’s everything I ever wanted in a partner and I can’t imagine ever being without him.  That thought would have scared the shit out of me a few years ago but it seems I might be cured of my commitment issues.

I helped Jarvis clean the house and we got it done in record time.

“I don’t want you to go, move in with me Jarvis.”  My stomach was doing flip-flops as I waited for his answer.

“I’d love to, but you’ll have to get a new maid if I do!”

“Deal.”  I grinned and leapt on him, I couldn’t ever remember being this happy!

I guess we were making quite the racket because the next thing I knew Caroline barged in the room screaming her head off.

“Oh, for the love of God, cover yourself up, nobody wants to see that!”

“If you didn’t want to see then maybe you should have stayed the fuck out of our room.”  I yelled back while poor Jarvis just stood there looking mortified.

“Our room?  What is this our room shit, he doesn’t live here.”

“He does now, I invited him to live here today.”

“What???  You can’t do that!”  Caroline looked downright horrified with the idea.  Too bad I didn’t give a fuck what Caroline thought about anything anymore.  I didn’t have time to respond because I could hear Cynthia screaming my name again.  I wonder what’s wrong this time.

“Come on, Jeremiah, I really need to pee, who cares if the stupid sink is dirty?”

“I’m almost done, just hold it for a few more seconds, jeez.”

“DADDY!”

I threw on some clothes and went to find out what was wrong with Cynthia now.

“Hey Rachel, do you know where Cynthia is?”

“I think she’s downstairs, daddy.”

“Thanks, princess!”

By the time I got downstairs it seemed that the crisis had passed on its own.  I sighed and shook my head.  Someday Cynthia was going to have to learn not to come screaming for me every time she doesn’t get her way.

“I really hate dirty dishes, maybe I could be a maid just like you someday.”

“You know it doesn’t really pay much to be a maid, you might wanna consider something else.”

I’ve noticed Jeremiah giving Jarvis lots of sidelong glances lately and I’m convinced my son has a crush on my boyfriend.  I don’t know what to do about it, I just hope he meets a boy his own age soon before it gets awkward.

Caroline’s blatant favoritism toward Rachel really ticks me off.  Every night Caroline comes into the triplets’ bedroom and reads Rachel a story before going to bed herself.  It doesn’t seem to bother Cynthia much but Mia gets more grumpy by the day.  I’ve offered to read Mia a story but she just yelled at me that she doesn’t need a stupid story and stomps off to bed.  I know she’s hurting, but nothing I do seems to get through to her.

Even though I don’t dance professionally anymore it’s still my favorite thing in the world to do.  Luckily Jarvis loves to dance too!  He’s pretty good at it too!

I decided to take Jarvis out for a date at the club and was surprised to see Alison there.  She hadn’t called or visited once since she moved out and I was eager to see how she was doing.  Unfortunately it really seems like Caroline screwed that girl up for life, she was downright rude to me!  She kept yawning at everything I had to say and even called me a few names.  What the hell did I ever do to her?

We had a screaming match right there in the club!  I finally told her to just go home and sleep it off, it was obvious the poor girl was drunk.

The rest of the night went a lot better.  Me and Jarvis had a great date!  We danced, drank and even played some video games.  Jarvis got the cool game though and I was stuck playing freezer bunny adventures.

The next morning I walked into the kitchen to see Jeremiah crying.  It seems he wanted to surprise the family with breakfast but had burnt it pretty bad.  I told him we could all have cereal instead and he started crying even harder!  Finally I told him the pancakes looked great and grabbed a plate.

I managed to convince most of the family to choke down the awful pancakes and Jeremiah finally stopped crying.  That boy is so sensitive, I worry about him.

Today is a special occasion!  It’s my girls’ birthday!  I made up tons of non-alcoholic drinks, ordered up some fancy cakes and even hired a caterer.  Not only were my triplets turning into teenagers but Thalia was going to be a young adult!

The party started right after school.  I invited Calliope and Blake even though I didn’t really want to see them.  Thalia had a right to have her mother at the party though and I’m sure Jeremiah wouldn’t mind seeing his mother too.

I had always been afraid Rachel would turn out to be a snob because of the way Caroline treated her but I was pleasantly surprised.  All she could talk about after her birthday was books.  She used all her birthday money at the bookstore, you should see all the books she got!

Mia was the complete opposite of Rachel in every way.  She started acting out more and more after she aged up, she’s so rebellious now!  I suppose I should have figured this would happen after her childhood but it still makes me sad.  I tried so hard to reverse what Caroline did to her over the years but I guess that kind of thing always sticks with you.

Cynthia was so excited to grow up but she waited patiently for both her sisters to go first.  She really is such an easy-going child.  It’s amazing to me that she and Mia turned out so differently after both being ignored by their mother.

Cynthia turned out to be such a hopeless romantic.  All she ever talks about now is falling in love.  It scares me to death!  I’m not ready to have my daughters date!

Thalia decided she didn’t want a cake and celebrated quietly in the kitchen with just us.

She had been planning to move out for months now so that night right after the party she headed over to her new place.  I couldn’t believe my first daughter was all grown up now!

The next day while all the kids were in school and Caroline was at work I decided to take Jarvis out for a romantic picnic.

The ants made off with most of our lunch, but we were too busy to notice.  I’m so in love with this man, he makes my whole life better.

“OMGOMGOMG!!!”

I ran upstairs to see what was going on with Cynthia this time.

I got there just in time to hear Cynthia telling her mom she got a date for prom.

“That’s great, Cyn!  Who is this lucky date of yours?”

“Thalia!”

What??  Clearly I heard her wrong. Caroline spoke up before I could question Cynthia further.

“What the fuck?  Thalia is your sister, you can’t go to prom with her!  I swear, this whole family is fucked up.”

“She’s my half-sister and yes I can to go to prom with her.  You can’t stop me!”

I was dumbfounded.  Was there something going on between Cynthia and Thalia?  I admit I spent most of my time paying attention to Mia and her problems lately but I can’t believe I would have missed something this big.  The whole idea of my daughters together freaked me out and I had to leave the room before I said anything that might hurt Cynthia’s feelings.  I needed time to digest this.

I was just stepping out of the shower when I caught Jeremiah watching Jarvis sleep while sobbing.  I sighed, I so didn’t need this right now.  I started to approach him but he heard me coming and bolted out of the room.  What was I going to do about this?

I quickly got dressed and went to find Jeremiah, it was clear we needed to have a talk.  I was just about to head into the living room when I heard Rachel comforting him.  I stopped and decided to let her handle it.  Maybe he would open up more with his sister.

Mia has been talking to herself just like Alison used to.  She claims she is talking to Peaches but I’m starting to get worried about her.  Maybe there really is something wrong with our family?  Like a bad gene I somehow passed on.  A crazy gene.  I don’t feel crazy though, then again I wonder if crazy people know they are crazy…

“Hey sweet stuff there you are!”  I grabbed Jarvis and gave him a big smooch.  Tonight was prom night and all the kids would be out of the house.  Jarvis and I had our own celebration planned and I couldn’t wait!  I heard a small whimper and looked up just in time to see Jeremiah watching us with the saddest look on his face.  Well shit, I guess his talk with Rachel didn’t help much.  This was getting out of hand, I refuse to feel guilty for loving my own boyfriend!

                          

When Rachel got home from prom she was excited to tell us all about this boy she met, Korey.  Apparently he saw her get rejected for a dance early in the night and came to her rescue, I think she has quite the crush on the young man.

                      

Despite winning prom king Jeremiah said that prom sucked.  Apparently he got rejected for quite a few dances and even had a drink thrown in his face!

                           

Mia came home with a torn dress, a black eye and a crown.  She was so pumped up when she got home and described prom as “the most awesome night of my life!”  I got a call from the school the next morning, I guess Mia started a fight.  When I confronted her about the fight she told me the bitch deserved it!  What am I going to do with that girl?

                   

Cynthia wouldn’t talk to either me or Jarvis about the prom but we found out from Jeremiah that her and Thalia are going steady now.  I’ve had time to think about it and even though it really kinda creeps me out I’m not going to forbid her from seeing Thalia.  I figure if I forbid her she will just want Thalia that much more.  At least they are both girls so there won’t be any crazy incest babies coming from this.  I can’t believe I just thought that, I need to go wash my brain now.

As for me and Jarvis, we necked on the couch like teenagers all night.  It was heaven!  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and have come to the conclusion that I can’t live without my man beside me forever.  Some people might say I’ve gone through a mid-life crisis and maybe I have, but I think I’m a better person for it.  The thought of tying myself to one person no longer scares the shit out of me.  Maybe I have changed or maybe Jarvis is just the one but I know what want out of life now and nothing is going to stop me.

Week Six: Maneater

I wouldn’t if I were you
I know what she can do
She’s deadly man
And she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
Ooh, the beauty is there
But a beast is in the heart – Hall and Oates

Caroline

I can’t believe that bastard. There is no low he will stoop to just so he can get laid. He finds me in a rare down mood, plies me with drinks, and the next thing I know, I have three babies.

I know a mother shouldn’t have favorites… wait, why can’t a mother have favorites? I was my dad’s favorite, that’s why I don’t have to deal with Cheryl. He barely had enough to leave to Jack and me, if my sister was in the picture it would be a bigger mess. I wonder whatever happened to her? Anyway, my favorite is Rachel. I think she’s the spitting image of what I looked like as a toddler. Just adorable. If I knew my kids were going to be this cute, I doubt I would have adopted Alison.

I love Cynthia too, but she doesn’t need me as much as Rachel does. She mostly keeps to herself.

I can’t stand Mia. She looks just like her father. I guess she can’t help that, but still, I just let Jack take care of her.

We finally got a maid, but I can’t stand the fucker. He keeps coming over even when he’s not working.

“Hey, how about you do your damn job for once?”

“It’s not my day.”

“Then why the fuck are you here? Go home.”

“Jack invited me, so why don’t you make me?”

“If you insist…”

The maid stayed.

Between raising three kids practically by myself, and getting beaten up by a man who cleans houses for a living, I felt it was time for some “me time.” I took all of Jack’s tips for the week and treated myself to the most expensive package at the spa.

When I got home, I started teaching Rachel to walk. She stumbled a few times but she looked like she was getting the hang of it.

We took  a snack break, and then Jack walked into the nursery.

“Caroline, can we talk?”

I left the room and went downstairs. Looks like learning to walk will have to wait for another day.

“Caroline, could you stop your silent treatment long enough to tell me what happened to my beer?”

“I threw it out.”

“Why?”

“Because I can.”

Things were going well at work. My cooking was getting rave reviews.

“You got to try this place, Caroline Hatfield cooks here.”

Not everyone was a fan of mine, though.

The job was wearing me out though. I couldn’t take any more of it, and cooking was getting rather boring anyway. I was bound for bigger things.

After telling my boss to fuck off, I headed over to Hidden Springs’ new movie lot. Now that the motion pictures were in town, I was going to be a star!

If I was going to be a sexy actress, I was going to need my beauty sleep. Since Jackass overreacted to Thalia spending the night in the garage that one time, I figured it was best if I slept in the garage myself.

I invited my news boss, Serena McGregor, out to dinner at my old work place.

“I hope someday to be as beautiful and famous as you, Serena.”

“You smell like car exhaust, Caroline.”

“Yeah, I sleep in the garage to avoid my screaming kids.”

“You should do what I do, send them to Europe.”

“I know I just started working here, but can I have a promotion?”

“Well, it’s not really my call, but I think I can pull some favors for you.”

Good. I’d hate to have to resort to violence with this girl.

Serena was true to her word and the next time I went to work I was a “Best Girl.” Whatever that is.

It was pretty late when I got home that night, and I could hear one of my kids crying. I figured Jackass could take care of it, so I headed to the garage to bed.

I got up the next morning bright and early and headed to the lot. The rest of the house was still sleeping.

I spent most of my time at the movie studio, working my way up from Best Girl to Key Grip. I would tell you what a Key Grip was if I understood it. I just do what they tell me to do, I have no idea what it has to do with the final product. While I was doing this, who the fuck knows what Jackass was up to.

Knowing Jack, I bet he was spending all his time with all those girls of his.

Yeah, who knows what kind of women he’s hanging out with.

The months at my new job just flew by, and before I knew it, it was Alison’s 18th birthday. I bought an expensive spread and invited everyone I knew. I hope I had enough food.

“Glad you made it to the party, Blake. And dressed appropriately too! Some fucking moron showed up in leather pirate boots or some weird shit.”

“He’s standing right there, Caroline…”

“I know! You’re a fucking moron, Pirate Boy!”

“I can’t believe you just said that to him!”

“I’m a star now, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I bet he still worships the ground I walk on.”

I headed to the stage and picked up the bass. I’d never played before but it can’t be too hard.

I must have been really good, because immediately Serena and Clio stopped playing just to watch me play.

My playing was so good, when it was time for Alison to blow out her candles, the crowd would rather watch me instead.

I figured though since it was Alison’s party after all, I should stop and let her be the star for just one brief moment.

I guess Alison turned out OK. For an adopted kid, anyway.

After the party ended, Alison decided it was time for her to find a place of her own. I’d miss her if the house wasn’t so full of damn kids as it is.

Oh, I almost forgot. Before Alison turned 18, Jeremiah became a teenager. But we’re not Jews or anything so I didn’t make a big deal of it.

I guess he turned out OK despite being Jackass’s spawn. At least he won’t be screaming and crying any more.

I got handpicked by the studio to direct a campaign commercial for the mayor’s office. I put on my best outfit hoping that I could get noticed for something better than directing local ads.

The video was a pain in the ass to shoot, and the worst thing of all was the mayor couldn’t even be bothered to serve food. What a fucking ass. I’ll make him pay some day.

I decided I better get myself an agent so I could start getting roles in films instead of just running errands all the time. She let me know if I wanted to make it I better get in good with Simon Cho. I went to Cho’s house and was shocked to find he was, well, OLD.

“Oh, Simon, you’re so sweet. And pretty handsome for an old fart.”

“Thanks for showing me your house, it’s very nice.”

“We’ll end the tour in my favorite room… the bedroom!”

Oh, Jesus, I hope his dick doesn’t smell as bad as the rest of him.

“You know, if you just want to cuddle, that’s OK, I understand how hard it is for you old folks to perform.”

“Not since I discovered Viagra! LET’S KNOCK THOSE BOOTS!”

Shit.

“Honey, that was the best sex I had since last week with those three crack whores who live under the bridge leading into downtown.”

“Wait, what? DO I NEED TO BE TESTED?”

“Probably!”

After the worst sex in my life (not counting Jackass of course) I fell into a deep sleep, it was almost 4 AM and I had to work in the morning.

“YOU GO NOW!”

I didn’t get to sleep very long.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going,” I said as I strutted out their door. OK, so maybe the sex wasn’t that bad.

The next day at work I was dead tired. When I got home I couldn’t even make it to the garage. I collapsed out of exhaustion right on the front porch. I hope Jack didn’t do anything to me.

Where’s all the time going? It seems like all I was doing these days was birthday parties. But here we go again with more cake for the triplets. It’s a wonder I can keep my figure with all this cake. I guess the vomiting helps. First up was Rachel.

See, I told you. Spitting image. I will have to beat the boys off with a stick if I don’t want grandchildren before I’m ready. Which will be never.

Next was Cynthia. I can’t believe Jackass came to his daughters’ party practically naked. I guess they’ll have to get their morals from me.

Ain’t she a cutie? Though she better lay off the cake if she doesn’t want to grow up looking like Alison.

Finally, that other one.

Meh.

“Nice party, Caroline. Now that the kids have gone to bed, how about we have a few drinks to celebrate?”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you. Why not just slip a few roofies in my drink while you’re at it, Ted Bundy?”

The next morning I discovered Cynthia and Mia had skipped school together.

“Young lady, that does it, you are grounded. You go sit and think about what you did while I take Cynthia to school.”

“Why doesn’t Cynthia get in trouble?”

“Because I know it was your idea! I swear, you are just like your father!”

Dear readers: I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last updated. Three kids keeps a mom really busy! Jackass is hardly a help at all with them. I have to do all the work myself. In other news, guess who got a shiny new computer. That’s right, me! I feel Mommy deserves it!

Before I could finish updating my blog I was startled by a hideous image.

“JACKASS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER?”

I don’t really know why we hired that maid. One time when I was heading to work I saw him toss the garbage right on the ground so he could stop and chat up Jackass. I swear, he spends so much time blabbing with Jack I think he wants to fuck him.

My agent told me if I was seen working out it would show my dedication to keeping in good shape for film roles, so I headed to the gym. My agent told me I needed to put in four whole hours. Jesus Christ. That’s like a full day of work. I put in three and figured that was enough for today. The gym seemed like a nice place to hang out though so I made a call to my new boss.

Jesse Pena showed up and met me outside.

“So, Jesse, you must come here a lot ’cause you sure have a sexy bod!”

Yep, another promotion here I come… but I guess I better make sure.

After I fucked his brains out in the men’s room shower, I figured I had made production manager for certain.

“OK, now let’s get down to business. Do I have the job or what?”

“Wait, so that’s what this was about?”

“What, you think I fuck four eyed geeks on a regular basis?”

Like all men, he didn’t really care WHY he got laid. I got the promotion I wanted. I really need to stop sleeping my way to the top, I’m starting to feel like Jack.

After Jesse left, I got back to work. It’s such a chore trying to stay in shape, so maybe acting just isn’t for me.

After the gym, my agent told me another celebrity I had to befriend. I can’t remember his fucking name though. I was bitching to him about how hard my job was, when I remembered that cheap-ass mayor who couldn’t even set up a spread for the crew of his campaign ad. That’s when it came to me.

I was going to run for public office, and show that mayor how it’s really done.

Week Five: Caroline, No

Could I ever find in you again
Things that made me love you so much then
Could we ever bring ’em back once they have gone
Oh, Caroline no – The Beach Boys

Jack

I guess it’s really over.  Calliope pulled me aside a few nights ago and told me she had met someone else at work.  We were through kidding ourselves that our relationship could ever be saved.  After the divorce we tried so hard to be at least friends again for Thalia’s sake but even that was strained.  She wanted to take Thalia with her but my little girl threw a fit and refused to move out.  I think that hurt Calliope a lot, but Thalia is old enough to go visit her mother whenever she wants.  Part of me is relieved that Calliope decided to move out but a small part of me is sad.  After Blake skipped out on us all I thought maybe Calliope and I would be able to work things out.

I don’t understand why it bothers me so much, I’ve never been big on commitment.  Maybe I’m just lonely.

“Dad, as you know school is starting up soon.  I was wondering if we could go to the salon and get me some new clothes?  Preferably purple?”

I had to smile, my little girl had been dropping hints that she wanted new clothes for weeks now.  I guess she finally decided hints weren’t subtle enough!  Shopping sounded like the perfect excuse to cheer everyone up.

“Sure sweetie, why don’t you go get Alison?  I’m sure she would like some new clothes too.”

We even brought little Jeremiah along for the ride.  He didn’t really need any new clothes but he sure did love the ride in the stroller.

I think the girls tried on every piece of clothing in the damn salon.  This was beginning to get ridiculous.

I finally bribed them with food to cut the salon session short.  If you can call sitting in a salon for four hours short.

“Thanks for the new clothes and sheets, daddy!”

“You’re welcome, sweet dreams.”

Thalia has been crawling into my bed every night and I desperately hoped her new sheets would make her want to sleep in her own bed for once.  It’s not that I don’t love her but a man needs his own bed.  Besides, she’s a cover hog.

A few weeks after Calliope left it was time for Caroline’s birthday.  Ali seemed like the only one happy with the occasion.  I couldn’t help but notice how down Caroline seemed about the whole thing.

As we ate our cake in strained silence I mentally kicked myself.  Why was I so depressed?  The Jack Hammer doesn’t get hung up on a woman like this.  I was glad Calliope left, dammit!  I sighed.

“What’s wrong?”

I just stared at Caroline for a second, unable to comprehend the simple question.  What was wrong?  And why did Caroline care?  It wasn’t like her to ask a simple question like that without following it up with insults and name calling.  Has the whole world gone mad?

“Nothing’s wrong.  Happy birthday.”  She looked sad when I mentioned her birthday and suddenly I couldn’t bear it.  I forced a smile onto my face and offered to make her a special birthday drink.  She glanced at me suspiciously for a moment before nodding her consent.

“Well don’t leave me hanging, what do you think?”  I had been working on this particular drink for a while now but had never made it for anyone yet.

“It’s really good.”  She sounded surprised.

“Thanks, I’ve been working really hard on it.  I know you think my job is worthless but I really enjoy creating new drinks like this.  I won’t be able to dance forever but I wouldn’t mind working at the club as a bartender when that day comes.”

Caroline suddenly stood up and buried her face in her hands, sobs racked her body.

“I’m sorry Jack, I’ve been pretty mean to you in the past, haven’t I?”

“Caroline?  What’s wrong?”

“I guess my birthday has me really thinking about my life for once and I’m not sure I like what I see.  I’m middle-aged, for crying out loud!  What do I have to show for it?  A string of lousy jobs I’ve been fired from or quit and absolutely no friends to speak of.  My life is shit and I can’t see it ever improving.”

Seeing Caroline cry was a shock.  Over the years a part of me had wondered if there was anything left of the sweet Caroline I once knew and now as I looked in her tear streaked face I knew I had my answer.

Without stopping to think it through I pulled Caroline into me and crushed my mouth down on hers.  I was almost surprised when I realized she was kissing me back.  My sweet Caroline, where have you been all these years?  I thought about the years of hurt and misunderstanding we had heaped on each other.  I wanted nothing more in that moment than to heal all the damage that had been caused, to soothe Caroline in any way I could.

“Make love to me, Jack.”  She whispered in my ear.

I couldn’t believe this was happening.  I scooped Caroline up in my arms, knocking over a tray of drinks in the process.  I had drinks running all down my arms and legs.  Caroline burst into laughter, damn, she was gorgeous when she laughed.  I wiped my hand on her face smearing the sticky drink all over her as she squealed.

She grabbed my hand and led me off to the shower.  We made love until the water ran cold and then moved to my bed.  As I watched her sleep in my arms that night I felt content for the first time in my life.  I knew I loved Caroline and would do anything to make her happy.  No more hiding from our feelings, no more pushing each other away.  This would be a new start for both of us.  Smiling at the thought I snuggled into Caroline some more and fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up to an empty bed.  I heard the water going in my bathroom and grinned.  I stepped into the bathroom and went to pull Caroline into a big hug.  She immediately pulled back and my heart sank.

“Jack…I…”

“Caroline what’s wrong?”

“I think we made a huge mistake.  I need some time to think about all of this.”

I was crushed.  Was I a fool for believing something between us had changed last night?  I nodded and silently left the bathroom.  Maybe she really did just need some time to sort it out, it was a huge step we took.

Days passed and the only person sharing my bed was Thalia.  The poor girl couldn’t seem to sleep in her own bed no matter what we tried.  Even in my bed she tossed and turned and stared at the ceiling instead of sleeping.  I just didn’t know what to do for her.

Things between Caroline and I were strained.  Not in the same way they used to be though, and that alone gave me hope.  I hoped she was working through her feelings for me and tried to give her as much space to do so as she needed.  Then everything changed again.

For the past few mornings I could hear Caroline in her bathroom throwing up.  I knew what this probably meant and secretly hoped it would push her back into my arms.  We could really be a family now!  Unfortunately the distance between me and Caroline seemed to be growing day by day and she never once mentioned being pregnant.  I started to wonder if she even knew, maybe I should tell her.

One morning when I came down for breakfast I found Caroline rubbing her belly.  It looked like she finally clued into what was wrong with her.  I briefly wondered if this meant she would be ready to talk to me now but before I could even open my mouth to say something she fled from the room.

I ran after her, determined to talk this out finally.  I burst into the bathroom just in time to see her losing her breakfast.

“Oh Caroline, are you still having morning sickness?”

She stood up and poked a finger into my chest.  Her eyes were on fire and I automatically shrank back.

“I’m throwing up at the thought of having one of your brats growing inside me.  Isn’t it bad enough that you took advantage of me in the first place?  Now I have to be punished for it too?”

In that moment I thought I might throw up too.  I can’t believe I had been hoping she would change.  I finally had to admit that my sweet Caroline that I loved so many years ago was well and truly dead.  Something had broken inside her long ago and she was never coming back.  I was suddenly angry.  Angry at Caroline, angry at God, angry at the whole fucking world.  I watched her stomp off to get ready for work and vowed to myself that I would never open myself up like that to anyone again.

After Caroline left for work I began making dinner for the children.  I was still in a shitty mood.  I looked over at my son and felt so defeated.  How could I bring yet another child into this world?  The world was such an unforgiving, horrible place and I knew there was nothing I could do to protect my children from it.  One day they would be just as broken and used up by the world as I was.  It wasn’t fair.

I made myself drink after drink after drink and tried to forget.  I just wanted to black out; with any luck I wouldn’t wake up this time.

Unfortunately while I was passed out my son grew up on his own.  I knew I should feel bad about this but I didn’t.  Maybe that makes me a shitty father but I like to think it is the first lesson in a long line of hard lessons the boy will need to learn in life.  Life is shit and then you die, happy birthday.

When I woke up the next morning and saw him for the first time as a child I did a double take.  That was what he chose to wear?  I thought about saying something to him about it but decided to just let him be.  If he wants to look like a half ballerina/half bodybuilder it’s his choice.

I was at the club getting ready for my shift when I saw Calliope’s sister Clio at the bar.  Great, just what I needed.

“Hey, if it isn’t Jack, the world’s biggest piece of shit.”

I sighed.  “Hey Clio, what brings you to the club?”

“I was looking for you actually.  Calliope thinks you’re not letting Thalia visit and wanted me to ask you about it.”

“Thalia can go over her mother’s house anytime she wants.  The door goes both ways though and Cal hasn’t even tried to visit once since she left.”

I am certain Clio would have yelled at me all night long but unfortunately for her it was time for my shift to start.  Deciding not to stick around and see my goods she took off.  Thank God.

Without me home to crawl into bed with, Thalia refused to sleep.  I honestly don’t know what’s going on with her lately.  I wonder if I should get her some sort of counseling, she’s been really upset since her mom left.

“Ali, this isn’t really a good story, can we read something else?”

“Nonsense, you never know when a little handiness could come in, well, handy.”

I’m just glad Jeremiah doesn’t seem to have the problems Thalia has.  I guess he was too young when his mother skipped out on him.

I was heading down for breakfast one morning and I heard Alison calling Jeremiah a fairy.  I’ve never hit a woman in my life but I came so close that day.  I won’t have that kind of intolerance in my house.  I sat Alison down and explained to her that Jeremiah’s sexual preferences was his own business, besides the kid is way to young to even be thinking of sex at all!  Hell, I’ve been bisexual my whole life and I thought Ali knew.  I told her that if she had a problem with it she could very well move her ass out of the house.

I took a chance and asked Caroline if I could feel the baby kick.  She predictably reacted like I had the plague or something.  Part of me wonders if she was as sweet and nice the night we made love as I remember or if I was just drunk.  The thought is so depressing I don’t dwell on it long.

The mess in the house is getting pretty out of hand.  I don’t think Caroline has cleaned anything in her entire life and I was way too depressed to care myself.  Finally I just hired a maid service and I’m really glad I did.  Jarvis, our new maid, was a pretty nice guy.  It felt good to have someone in the house I could actually hold a conversation with for more than a few minutes.

I heard a scream coming from Caroline’s room and sprinted down the hall.  I knew she was due any day now and figured this was it.  I was trying to stay calm but Jarvis was really freaking out and it was making me just as nervous.  What if something went wrong?

When we got to the hospital I almost thought Caroline was going to make me wait outside.  We hadn’t really spoken in months.

After many hours and more name calling than I care to remember our daughters were born.  I remembered Caroline once laughing at me after I knocked Blake up and accusing me of having super fertile sperm.  The words kept running through my mind over and over as tears leaked out of my eyes and I started to giggle.  Giggling soon became cackling, holy shit, I think I’m going crazy.  Is this what crazy feels like?  I get it universe, you hate me!  You can stop torturing me now.

Three of them.  Jesus.  When Rachel was born and the doctor said there was another one I was shocked.  Then when Mia was born and he said there was another one…well honestly I don’t remember much after that because Caroline threw a lamp at my head and I sorta passed out.  Cynthia came along shortly after that I guess and thankfully she was the last one.   I stared at Mia and couldn’t doubt that I loved her and both her sisters with all my heart but if I was being honest with myself I knew we couldn’t handle this.

A week later and I was exhausted.  Caroline hadn’t helped with the children at all.  She hadn’t even looked at them after dumping them in the cribs.  Hell, she hadn’t even spoken to me since she called me a “fucking fuckhead” and knocked me out in the hospital.  I got a call from some of my work buddies inviting me to the club for my birthday and I jumped at the chance to get out of the house.  While I was there I officially retired from the dancing scene.  My boss hired me on as a bartender but let me know I could have all the time off I needed to take care of the kids first.

It was also Thalia’s birthday that night so I went home early to celebrate.

Even after Caroline finally got her head out of her ass and started helping with the babies it wasn’t easy.  They always needed something and nobody was getting much sleep with all the crying.

I was taking care of the girls one afternoon when out of nowhere Caroline tackled me to the ground and started punching me.  When I tried to get up she just kept kicking and punching me, I think that bitch even bit me.  What the fuck?

I finally had enough and slapped the shit out of her.  I was raised never to hit anyone, especially a woman, but fuck.  I was sick of just being her doormat, maybe if she realized I would start fighting back she would leave me alone.  She looked at me in shock before finally stomping off to go to work.  Guess she forgot or didn’t care it was her daughters’ birthday.

At least the girls were too small to realize their mommy seemed to hate them.

Mia

Cynthia

Rachel

I only hope for their sake Caroline starts paying more attention to them.